Twisted Kismet

The sometimes crazy road from here to there

Happy Anniversary

Written By: Pam - Aug• 21•16

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So today is Twisted Kismet’s third anniversary!  Time sure does fly!

We’ll start with a brief update.  I am officially done with the treatment plan and feel like I have mostly recovered.  Next up will be a CT scan later on this week to determine if the treatment worked.  I am feeling a bit anxious – either the scan will be clean (yay!) or it will show some areas of “concern” that need to be monitored (not so much yay) or it will show tumors / bad things.  There is no way to know until the scan is done.  So yeah, it’s a weird place to be.

As for recovery, physically I feel pretty good except for some lingering fatigue.  I still tire pretty easily and feel very out of shape.  It will just take time to get my strength back.  Time and a lot of walking.

Mental / emotional recovery seems to be taking a bit more work than expected.  I am convinced the chemo drugs mess with brain cells in a lot of ways.  There is the fogginess of “chemo brain”, the intermittent memory loss, and there is depression.  For me, the depression manifested in anger and frustration.  It’s been a roller coaster for the past 9 weeks or so.

But to get back to the anniversary thing.  I wish I had a better plan!  hahaha

When I first started this blog it was supposed to be an inspirational thing. A place to celebrate being single.  A positive and upbeat voice in the land of negativity.  And then cancer hit…and there were unexpected changes.  My apologies.

A few weeks ago, I was trying to figure out of married folks have an “easier” time with chronic or serious illness than single folks.  Like most things, there are good points and bad points to both.

Married folks presumably have a built in helper – someone to drive to appointments and generally help out around the house.  Single folks have to scramble to find help and transportation.  In the beginning, this was the biggest source of stress for me.  One of my first thoughts after I found out the REAL diagnosis was…how the heck am I going to be able to do this?

Married folks also presumably have a built in emotional support system while single folks cobble together a network of supportive friends and family.  This can be trickier than you think.  Trust me.

And financially, married folks possibly have a second source of income.  Possibly.  Single folks, not so much.

On the flipside, are the married folks in a rocky relationship or with unsupportive spouses.  For those folks, I think being single is a better deal.

My mom’s second husband, Bob, was not exactly the most supportive spouse.  He did not have a driver’s license so there was really no help from him for transportation when she was going through her cancer ordeal.  Bob also refused to believe mom was terminally ill.  Bob also have very little income from Social Security and was a drain on mom’s finances.   In other words, Bob was a very frustrating (and annoying) spouse during mom’s illness.  He did, however, come through in the end and took care of her around the clock for the last few weeks of her life.

So I dunno.  The women in the online support group talk about how great their husbands have been and it’s something I find hard to relate to.  The medical system – and the world in general – assume people are in pairs.  It is assumed you have someone to drive you places and take care of things.  If you don’t?  Well, figure it out.

I struggled mightily with figuring out how to balance my need for independence with asking for help when there was no other option.  I have to admit that it’s easier to accept help when you feel sick than to ask for help in ADVANCE of feeling sick.  When my sister in law was here and all I wanted to do was sleep, I really didn’t care what she did.  Seriously.

Once again, the answer to this mystery is…..it depends.

I’m pretty proud to have gotten through everything with a minimal amount of help.  I was lucky enough to have a friend who lived near by who offered assistance when needed while respecting my independence.  I was also lucky enough to have a sister in law who was able to make the trip down here three times to help around the house.

Somehow, it all worked out, just as things usually do…it’s that kismet thing.

Now I can only hope to get back to the regularly scheduled blogging about happier things.

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Sometimes it’s all about perspective…

Written By: Pam - Jul• 28•16

Talk about Joy

I know.  I have neglected this blog for a long time….don’t take it personally.  I just haven’t been in the mood to write here, there, or anywhere.  It’s been a strange couple of months.

So I have two more rounds of chemo under my invisible belt and only ONE left to go.  I hope, fingers crossed.  There is no guarantee that the treatment worked but I should hopefully know by the end of August.  I am trying not to get my hopes up too high by taking the middle ground approach.  There is a whole other blog post about that issue.

A few weeks ago, in the midst of all the crazy stuff going on in the world these days it occurred to me how many really good and positive things surround us every day.  It might be something small – like making someone laugh, or talking to a friend – but it exists.  We just have to find it.  At the time, I had an entire blog post written about the topic but I was in bed and trying to fall asleep, not the best time to be online. But I didn’t forget the theme.

And then the grumpies settled in earlier this week.  Not exactly sure what happened but I fell into a terrible mood where NOTHING seemed right. Everyone was irritating and on my nerves.  Part of it was coming off the chemo fog and crappiness associated with that.  Part of it was going back to work and getting a boatload of stuff dropped on me because we are short staffed right now.  And for whatever reason, the fact that the guy who now mows my lawn hadn’t been here for over two weeks was particularly infuriating.  The arrangement is I owe him the same amount every month regardless of how many times he actually mows the lawn.  Oh, and the heat.  Yeah, it’s been awful here even by Florida standards (33 or 34 days in a row of 90+ degree temps with little rain to cool it off).

I was so angry and fed up and just generally pissed off I could hardly sleep last night.  I started the day by ranting to my manager.  Sigh….

And then, I don’t know what happened, but the mood started to lift and I tried to go back to that prior topic of there are always positive things that happen every day.

Even though I lost my hair for the second time in less than 5 months, I no longer wear a hat when going out anywhere.  It’s just TOO HOT!  That, and I just don’t really care any more.  The positive thing is no one really comments on it much to my surprise.  In fact, I think I see a bit of respect when they look at me now.  Definitely a positive thing.

Went to lunch at a place I go to on a fairly regular basis.  After you order, you give your name and they bring your food to your table.  The guy behind the counter now knows my name and greets me with a smile.  Nice to be recognized, even without hair.  😀

Came home from lunch and heard the lawn guy mowing the lawn.  By then most of the anger had dissipated and I no longer wanted to say snarky things to him.  It was time to pay him anyway, so I went outside and felt the full force of the 96 degree heat, humidity and blazing sun and wanna know what I thought?  “Shut up and take my money!”.  Yeah, he earned the entire month’s pay just this afternoon while I sat inside in the air conditioning.  Perspective.

And then, one more thing.  The county started a new program this year where we have to put out trash out in special trash cans that are picked up by automated trash trucks.  They allowed us to do a ONE TIME swap to smaller trash cans which I opted to do.  The swap was supposed to happen in April or May but never did.  I decided to let it go and not waste any energy complaining about it.

So, two weeks ago (yes, in July) the vendor came by and swapped out one of the trash cans and came back last week to swap out the other.  It was a weirdly random thing.  Anyway, the second trash can came with a defective wheel which proceeded to fall off when the trash was picked up Tuesday morning.  And yes, that was yet ONE MORE THING that pissed me off.

I fired off an email to the county Tuesday morning asking to have the trash can replaced.  A very nice lady called me yesterday from the county (it’s true!) and said she put in a work order and I should leave the trash can out all day next Tuesday or until the vendor can make it out to do whatever they were going to do.

Guess who showed up this afternoon?  A very nice man from the trash company vendor to fix the wheel.  He even left me an extra one in case something happens to another one.  Totally unexpected level of service from both the county and the vendor.  And yes, I thanked both.

I dunno.  After all that, it seemed like things were once again right with the world.  There ARE good people and there ARE kind people.  You just have to look for them and recognize the good stuff.

You get back what you send out into the world.

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I’m still here!

Written By: Pam - Jun• 26•16

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Yeah, I know, it’s been a while.  The last few weeks have been a blur.

I started to feel better during the fifth and final week of radiation.  Not sure why that is, except that my body possibly started getting used to the daily nuking.  Most of the side effects (aside from tiring easily) are gone now.  You never know how much you appreciate eating yummy food until you can’t anymore.  Ice cream has never tasted so good!

So I “rang the bell” to signal the end of radiation on June 5.   There is a sense of excitement in the air on the “last day” when everyone gathers in the waiting room area to clap, cheer, and make merriment when someone finishes up.  There were hugs all around from everyone and it was actually somewhat emotional.  It was a most excellent day.

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Just over a week after finishing radiation, I headed off to Pennsylvania on a much anticipated long weekend of visiting.  I am so very glad I booked the flight in April when I felt so good physically (and mentally) because I doubt I would have gone ahead with it in May when I felt so crappy.  The thought of getting away for a few days really helped get through the dark days.

I met up with some dear friends Thursday night for a girls night out dinner.   I worked with these ladies prior to moving to Florida 15 years ago and we have remained friends over the years mostly thanks to Facebook.  They have been very supportive of my cancer journey.  It was nice to get together, share some laughs and gossip, and reminisce about the good ole days.

The next few days were spent with family and that was good, too.  My sister in law was the only one who had seen me since I started chemo and I wanted to show everyone that I was still pretty much the same aside from the new hairstyle – very short gray hair.

We went to see some gardens near Philadelphia and strolled around for most of the day.  How lovely is that bridge in the picture above?  It was awesome to be out and about to forget about all the challenges of the past few months.

My nephew (and new niece) hosted a picnic on Sunday for Fathers Day.  By that point, I was back to eating normally for the first part which made me very happy.  The cake tasted extra specially good, partly because I pretended it was birthday cake.  😀

I flew back to Florida Monday afternoon after strolling through a park with a large rose garden with my sister in law.

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And then it was back to reality.  I knew I would start back to chemo again some time in the next couple of weeks so it was time to start preparing for that at home and at work.

I baked cookies Wednesday evening for my birthday on Thursday.  Most of the batch was dropped off with Chance at daycare and at the infusion center where I go every Thursday for lab work.  And that’s when I found out I was scheduled to go back to chemo on Tuesday.  As in two days.

That ended the leisurely day at work I had dreamed of lol.   Most of Thursday and Friday was spent trying to tie up loose ends to be out for a week.

In a very strange way, I am looking forward to a week off to just rest and relax.  I pushed myself so very hard through the five weeks of radiation, working every day even when I felt crappy.  I am also glad resuming treatment was pushed back an extra week by the trip to PA.  I don’t think I would have been physically ready to withstand what chemo does to a person’s body.  So all in all, things worked out.

This will be the last part of the treatment plan.  I’m not sure what will happen next, but I plan to find out tomorrow when I see the oncologist.  Once a planner, always a planner.  😀

Hope all is well with all of you!

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Some days are darker than others…

Written By: Pam - Jun• 04•16

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I really needed to read those words as a reminder to be kinder to myself.

I had been doing rather well, mentally, for a couple of months.  And then Thursday happened.  It all started with such a trivial thing but it turned into a dark day.

Many folks have this perception that cancer is somehow “over” if and when treatment stops.  That is rarely true.  Even if I can stop active treatment after the next three rounds of chemo, I will still be required to undergo CT or other scans on a regular basis to watch for a recurrence.  I have to be “clean” for five years before being declared “cured” which is really not true – cancer has no “cure”.   My personal experience with cancer is that you die from it.  Yeah, not such a good thing.

On top of that, there are physical issues from the treatment.  Some of these physical problems eventually go away, others not so much.  Chemo and radiation can both damage the kidneys and the liver.  Some people have ongoing bowel issues for years after they stop treating.  Others have lingering issues with fatigue.  I’m not being dramatic, just realistic.

Telling me to “stay positive” doesn’t really take away the reality of the situation.

So back to Thursday, well, actually Wednesday night.  I’ve written this part of the post a hundred times in my head….hope it comes out right because this is something I never thought I’d be writing about on this blog.

Where to begin….  First of all, our society is so wigged out about anything sexual, making this even harder.  Second of all, I think it is somewhat assumed that when a woman reaches a “certain age” that she is no longer sexually active.  Not the case for everyone, just letting you know.  😀

I have a casual “friend” who I have known for 7 or 8 years and I see him on occasion, mostly when the stars align.  This isn’t really about our relationship or him as a person.  It is about a situation.  He obviously knows about what I have been going through, I have seen him a few times since starting treatment.  He has been compassionate and supportive and has not (yet) run for the hills.  There are no strings, so there is really nothing keeping him from leaving.

Ever since this all started, I got the sense that he was waiting things out…that when the treatment is over then things will go back to how they were.  I struggled between believing that (even though I knew it was unlikely) and laying it all out.  I felt like I was hiding the truth from him which was entirely unfair.

So the trigger was an email from him Wednesday night and for whatever reason, it was the catalyst for the both the darkness and the sharing of the truth.  I laid out the reality – that there are physical issues from the treatment (and surgery) that will make “regular people” sexual relations difficult for me.  While there are some women who would not be bothered by this, it is killing me.  I feel like damaged goods, like so much is broken it will never be fixed.

I feel like I am mourning the woman I once was, the one I will never be again.   It broke my heart, and then I cried.

In some ways, I feel like a burden has been lifted from my shoulders.  It is now up to him to choose what he wants to do.  He can stick around and see how this all turns out or he can walk away.  I am prepared for either to happen.

So no, cancer is not only about the physical side effects from treatment.  It is about so much more.  For me, the physical part has been relatively minimal (comparatively speaking) but the mental part has been darn near devastating.

But every day, I get out of bed, plant a smile on my face and go about my business so please don’t tell me I am not fighting hard enough.

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Where does the time go?

Written By: Pam - May• 29•16

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How can it almost be June already?  The days left in my 51st year are rapidly dwindling.

So I didn’t post anything here last weekend and there are reasons for that.  No, I was not out doing wonderful and exciting things.  Not anything close to that.  I was feeling crappy and grumpy and figured no one wanted to hear the whining.

As of now, I have 7 radiation treatments left (out of 25).  The end of this round of treatment cannot come soon enough.  I have felt sick, for at least part of the day, every day since early May.  Yes, an entire month of feeling unwell can bring a person down.  And then the fatigue set in last week.  And the blood test results were less than stellar meaning precautions had to be taken to avoid getting sick.  There was some discussion last Monday about starting to get a shot every day to stimulate the bone marrow to produce white blood cells but, amazingly enough, the numbers rebounded by Thursday morning.  So it was a somewhat “trying” week.

I think I have whined and complained more about radiation than chemo.  I think most folks thought I was making a bigger deal out of it than I should have – after all, I “looked healthy”.   Whatever.

Sleeping has become my favorite pastime.  🙂

On the upside, though, the stomach issues improved last week and somewhat leveled out.  Sure beats getting worse!

The three day weekend came at the exact perfect time.  Not only did it give me  a break from treatment, I was able to get enough rest so I could run some errands AND complete continuing education requirements that needed to be done by the end of June.

Oh, and I haven’t worn a hat – aside from when I walk the dog to protect my scalp from getting sunburned – anywhere for the past two weeks.  Now the issue is less lack of hair than it is the fact the short hair is mostly gray.  🙁  I have been coloring my hair for years because I could NOT accept the fact that I was “old enough” for gray hair.  No place to hide now!

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Accomplishments

Written By: Pam - May• 15•16

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So it’s been almost three months since I lost my hair.  Since then, I have also lost my eyebrows and most of my eyelashes.  You never realize how much of a difference it makes to have eyebrows until they are gone.  Seriously.

I blogged about the hair loss before and how traumatic it was for me.  I sort of stopped talking about it (aside from in the cancer support group) because most folks brushed it off with comments like “It’s just hair” or “It’s not a big deal” or “It will grow back!” or “Just rock a bald head and wear a scarf!).  Do you have any idea how long it will take for it to grow back?  Yeah, you’re thinking now…

But anyway, I sort of got used to wearing hats and stuff.  I was never much of a hat person BEFORE all this happened so wearing a hat was annoying.  And it’s getting HOT here.  Once summer is in full force, it will be miserably hot.  So somewhere buried deep in my subconscious, I really wanted to screw up the courage to just go bald.  Well, let me clarify that,  mostly bald.  I do have an old man gray hair buzz cut look going right now.

Unlike what most folks believe, it really wasn’t so much about what others thought.  It was about how I FELT about going out with no hair.  At the Look Good Feel Better session a few weeks ago, it was said that women look in the mirror and don’t recognize the person looking back.  Hair loss changes your facial features, too.  It’s just hard to explain.

As someone who has struggled with body image issues, it was hard to deal with.  It was like I lost the one thing I could mostly control.  I cannot control my facial features or, for the most part, my weight but I CAN control hair color and cut.  It was also one of the few vanity things I did for myself.  Again, it’s just hard to explain.

So one day last week, I rushed out of the house to stop at the bank prior to picking up the dog at daycare.  I walked into the vet office (doggy daycare) and one of the girls at the desk got this huge smile on her face and said “Well, hello gorgeous!”.  It took me a second to realize I left the house without a hat.  The bandaid had been ripped off.  I didn’t have to stress about whether or not I could do it…because it was already done.  And no one died.  😀

I am taking baby steps now and going without when I go to “safe places”.  Testing the waters, I suppose.

I also finished the cancer afghan on Friday when I took some time off work to rest.  It turned out pretty nice for a first try.

Otherwise, I am still plugging away.  Been feeling sick on and off for a couple of days.  Bleah…. I started feeling tired Thursday evening and decided to only work a couple of hours on Friday.  The fatigue may start settling in this week since I have been told it usually starts after the 10th treatment…which is set for Tuesday.  I’ve pretty much accepted it will get worse before it gets better.

June 8 will not be here soon enough.

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Counting the days…

Written By: Pam - May• 08•16

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So the waiting is over, sort of.

I got the call last Monday afternoon from the hospital that the radiation plan was approved and they could start Wednesday afternoon.  Thank goodness.

The first thing I did was count down the days on a calendar.  The second thing I did was start looking for flights to Pennsylvania.  Yup, I do believe there is a long weekend vacation of sorts in the future.  I so needed something to look forward to!

Three sessions down, twenty two to go.  The treatment itself takes less than 10 minutes so really it’s a giant pain in the you know what.  The part that takes the longest is getting properly positioned so the radiation goes to the right place.  Then they take a series of x-rays to be sure everything is positioned correctly and then the treatment starts.  All this while lying on a metal table while semi clothed in a chilly room while having to pee.   Such a joy!

Last week I had to take the appointments that were available in the morning until things got settled (the remaining appointments are at 8:15 or 8:30 AM) meaning Friday’s appointment was at 10 AM.  I decided to take advantage of the spectacular weather and the fact that I still felt pretty good and head out to the gardens after the treatment.  I sort of thought I might go back to work in the afternoon….but that did not happen.

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This pic was taken from the “overlook” area at the garden place. Can you find the heron?  🙂  The building in the background with the spike tower thing is the hospital where I had the two surgeries and also where I go to the oncologist.

The next four or so weeks will be filled with appointments – radiation every day, see the radiology oncologist every Tuesday, blood work every Thursday, and another appointment with the oncologist two weeks from tomorrow.  It makes me tired thinking about it.  The chemo nurse assured me it will “go quick” and I hope she’s right.

I have already started feeling a bit “off” after treatment and that has me a bit concerned.  There is likely a cumulative effect so if things are feeling wonky now, how bad will it be by treatment #25?  Sigh….

BUT….I booked a flight and I plan to get the heck out of here for a few days on June 16 – a week before my birthday.  Some times it’s just a good thing to go to a different place to get your mind off of things.

That’s the plan anyway.

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Wait for it…

Written By: Pam - May• 01•16

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It has been a week of waiting.  I am beginning to hone my patience skills.

Last Monday was actually the best day of the week.  It was Chance’s “anniversary” at doggy daycare so I baked cupcakes and bought specially doggy cookies for him and his “best girl”.  He and Kahlua have been an item for six years now which is longer than some marriages last.  😀  They had an impromptu party for the happy couple and then made a picture collage for me.

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The picture in the middle at at the top is actually of the card and cookies I bought.  Yup, I am just that weird.

I worked half a day and then headed off to the “Look Good Feel Better” shindig sponsored by the American Cancer Society.  It is a 2 hour program with licensed cosmetologists for women who have skin changes or hair loss due to cancer.  I had been looking forward to the afternoon for a couple of months.

It was sort of an odd mix of women.  Some said not a word.  Others looked shell shocked or like they didn’t really want to be there.  It was a pleasant enough afternoon but it would have been far more fun if there had been more interaction.   I did manage to achieve a goal – for the first time, I took my hat off to “be bald” in a group setting.  Just another baby step toward feeling less self conscious.

I came home to find out the internet was still “out” at home.  It had gone down around lunch time but I figured it would be fixed some time in the afternoon.  Nope.

I was still down Tuesday morning.  I went to the library to try to work and let me tell you…libraries are so not what they used to be.  There was no quiet there.  It was more like a bookstore than a library and honestly, I think I have been to quieter bookstores.  So I went home to wait for the internet to get fixed.

It was still down Wednesday morning so I went to a different library to at least check my work email.  And then I just gave up for the day, ate lunch, and went home to wait for things to get fixed.  Finally, around 4 PM on Wednesday, the wait was over.

Almost two weeks ago, I had a CT scan done for “mapping” of the radiation plan.  I have been waiting ever since then to actually START radiation.  I called Tuesday (nothing else to do with no internet or television) and talked to the nice people at the insurance company.  The authorization was pending, I would just have to wait a few more days.

I called again on Friday and as best I could understand the barely English speaking person, I think the plan has been approved.  So now I just have to wait – again – for the bureaucracy at the hospital to get things scheduled.

All this waiting is just annoying.  I HAVE PLANS TO MAKE!  lol But really, I want to keep things moving – the sooner the next phase gets started, the sooner it will be done.

On the upside, I did manage to start two mosaic pieces which are now WAITING for me to grout and finish.  Perhaps I should stop procrastinating and get moving.

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The Chinese Lantern Theory

Written By: Pam - Apr• 23•16
People release lanterns to celebrate the traditional Chinese Lantern Festival in Taipei...People release lanterns to celebrate the traditional Chinese Lantern Festival on the first full moon of Lunar New Year in Taipei county March 4, 2007. The lanterns are released in belief they will bring good luck and blessings. REUTERS/Richard Chung (TAIWAN)

People release lanterns to celebrate the traditional Chinese Lantern Festival in Taipei…People release lanterns to celebrate the traditional Chinese Lantern Festival on the first full moon of Lunar New Year in Taipei county March 4, 2007. The lanterns are released in belief they will bring good luck and blessings. REUTERS/Richard Chung (TAIWAN)

I decided to keep the caption of this pic because it helps explain what I’m going to ramble about.

I’m reading a book titled Bright Side Up right now.  It’s an easy, uplifting read about how to look on the bright side when things are crappy.  It’s not nearly as sappy as it sounds, it’s mostly a perspective thing.

“A disaster isn’t always a disaster.  Sometimes, it’s a gift.  Take what feels like a moment of defeat and see it as an epiphany, for if nothing else, it’s a freeing symbol that you are not meant to be doing it.”

“In Eastern Asia, there is a tradition of making wishes, lighting lanterns, then letting them go into the night sky or setting them out onto the water.  In a way, it’s a gesture of letting your wants go and giving in to the power of the universe.”

“Don’t let a defeat beat you.  See it as a sign of new things to come.  Light your lantern, raise the flame above your head, and say goodbye to your struggle of trying so hard to make something work.”

I read those passages last night and it really made me think about all the times I let the lantern go in years past.  When I was laid off from what I thought was going to be a forever job (ha ha), I told my mom that it meant there was something else better out there for me to do.  Didn’t really work out that way…I am still doing insurance claims but in a much better situation.

I finally gave up on being a manager.  It was always something I felt I was “supposed” to do – working up the corporate ladder and all – but I sucked at it.  The day I realized that, I felt like a weight lifted off my shoulders.  I’ll be a worker bee, thanks anyway.

I gave up on being self employed.  I did try it, though, so there’s that.  I gained a whole new level of respect for people who are successful in running their own businesses.  Just not my thing.

I also gave up on being in sales, or at least in selling insurance.  Also not my thing and it made me miserable.

None of these things are failures, it was just stuff I tried to do that did not work out at all.

And then I thought about all the stuff I have gone through since January, mostly at home.  The major stressor I had was figuring out how I would get stuff done around the house when feeling crappy.  I never enjoyed mowing the lawn, planting flowers in the Florida heat, cleaning the house, or taking care of the pool.  These were things I did because I HAD TO as a homeowner and, you know, an adult.

This week I watched the pool guy take care of the pool, the lawn guy mow the lawn, watered the flowers planted by my sister in law, and watched the cleaning ladies clean the house.  I finally let go of the “I must do everything” Chinese lantern and accepted I cannot do it all anymore.  At least for now.

I think we spend so much time beating ourselves up over stuff we “should” be doing instead of accepting the fact that we can walk away from much of it and be far happier people.  Pack up the stuff that doesn’t work and let it float away.  😀

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Enjoying the normal and calm days…

Written By: Pam - Apr• 17•16

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Funny story about this quote.  I had just finished a journal entry where I made comments about being on an emotional roller coaster but feeling determined to enjoy the ride.  Or something like that.

And it HAS been – still IS – an emotional roller coaster.  Some days I can go from happy to sad in a blink of an eye and for seemingly unknown reasons.  It can be very frustrating.

But…but…all in all it has been a pretty fantastic few weeks.  Some time last month, I figured out that April would be a sort of vacation from cancer.  I would recover from Chemo Round Three early in the month and then have a short break from other treatment.  Turns out it was sort of better than expected.

The weather in Florida is generally pretty awesome in April which is why it has turned into my favorite month since moving here.  This year was no exception.  There is just something about sunny, warm days that makes a person happy.  Unless you like snow, then not so much.  🙂

Added to that, so much was accomplished the week my sister in law was here that I finally feel like I am getting caught up on life.  The garden was planted, I hired a lawn guy to mow the lawn, and the appliances were repaired.  It doesn’t sound like much but when you feel totally overwhelmed by everything that has to be done while feeling unwell every little bit helps.

I think I wrote something about just wanting to feel normal again and that finally happened for the past few weeks.  Funny how we don’t appreciate going about our normal lives until it gets yanked away.  For two weeks, I felt completely normal – the old energy level was back, I didn’t feels sick, and I finally felt like doing things.  It was a total joy to bake cupcakes and go to the beach for a few hours…two things I took for granted before cancer.

Next week should be relatively good as well.  I see the oncologist tomorrow for a regular check up and then see the radiology oncologist on Tuesday to start the process for radiation.  And then Thursday evening I am taking myself out to a concert a friend of mine is singing in (the same group I used to sing with).

I figure I have one or two more good weeks before the fatigue and feeling crappy thing will start again.  And that’s ok, I know it’s coming so I plan to enjoy the heck out of the two or so good weeks that are left. And…I know that each day takes me closer to hopefully being through this mess.

The twisted down side to all this is I feel sorta guilty for, well, feeling good.  People expect me to be sick or depressed or, I dunno, something other than happy.  I am NOT happy to be dealing with this disease, but I AM happy to be feeling well and….NORMAL.    I already had to opt out of one online support group because it was just too depressing.  True story.

So there ya go.  The roller coaster car I am riding in is approaching the top of the hill.  Time to get ready to hang on for the ride down the other side.  🙂

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