Twisted Kismet

The sometimes crazy road from here to there

Dreams vs Real Life

Written By: Pam - Mar• 05•17

So.  Here we are.

Anyone who has been around me for more than, say, a day knows I hate my job.  Wait, not the job really.  I hate my career.  Always have, likely always will.  It’s not necessarily the company I work for, IT IS THE JOB.  And for whatever reason, it is worse than it has been for a few years.  Not exactly sure why, it just is.

I won’t rant about how it feels to be in a nearly impossible pit of misery every day to make a living, at least not in this post.  🙂  Nope.  This is more about how to make the leap from the reality of life to something less soul sucking.  Something that actually means something and makes a difference.

Going through cancer treatment last year made me realize how meaningless my work is to the world in general.  I make people unhappy nearly every day and it is getting to be very toxic.  I feel driven to do “something” that makes a difference.  The trick is to figure out what that “something” is.

So I dunno what to do.

I did work on the book today, first time in many months.  I decided I needed to do that before starting anything else.  hahaha

Those last sentences were avoidance sentences.  Why?  I am hesitant to say what I’m going to type next because typing it makes it “real” and that makes me accountable.  Not that anyone is reading anyway.  🙁

What is rolling around in my brain is figuring out a way to create a place for cancer patients / survivors to do arts, crafts, and meditation as a way to relieve stress.  It’s a great idea but would take a lot of work to make happen.  Oh, and money.  Would take lots of that, too.

But the idea keeps nagging at me and that means I have to do something about it.  Either banish it forever or try to figure out how to make it happen.  Will definitely take more thought to decide which way to go.

Sometimes you just have to throw these thoughts out to the universe to see what happens.

Consider it thrown.

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What are you afraid of?

Written By: Pam - Feb• 26•17

I did a good deed yesterday, one that should have brought out warm and fuzzy feelings.  Should have.

The MIL was in Florida for the winter months, same as she has done for as long as I can remember.  She and her husband wintered in Florida for decades prior to his passing away.  MIL continued to make the trip to spend some time in the winter warmth while catching up with long time friends from Michigan.  For the past couple of years, there was discussion about whether or not she would be able to make the trip for various reasons.  She just turned 83 in December and it was getting to be a bit much for her to make the trip on her own.

Well, apparently the friends from Michigan decided to only stay a few weeks because of an illness.  According to SIL, right after the friend left, MIL went into a mental tailspin.  SIL thought MIL was having a panic attack.  Brother thought dementia was starting to settle in, same as he has thought for years.  At one point, SIL was going to travel here to see what was going on but MIL decided to sell the trailer and flee the state.

So I offered to meet MIL at the airport Saturday afternoon to make sure she was able to get her back checked in and get herself through security.  She was flying out of the smaller Orlando airport which made things easier but airports can be confusing.  And there was unexpected confusion when MIL arrived earlier than expected, did not sit her ass in a chair to wait for me, and was directly to a different terminal to check in.  The new terminal thing threw me for a loop – in the 10 years I have flying out of that airport, this is the first time there was even a check in desk in that terminal.

ANYWAY, all that got straightened out and I found MIL.  She was anxious, frazzled, and wound a little tight but she was glad to see me.  About 2 minutes after we sat down she said “have you ever had an anxiety attack”?

I said “Why yes, yes I have….just about every day for over a year”.  She seemed a little relieved to hear that someone else understood how terrifying it can be.  She was at her wit’s end after two weeks of feeling scared to death.  She just wanted to go home.

We chatted a bit and I told her that when I felt particularly stressed and anxious that I would go for a walk.  If things are really bad, I take an Ativan to help me sleep.  I figured she was not up to hearing the rest of my tricks that sound self-help-book-like.   Not many closed minded 83 year olds would understand a discussion about changing internal dialog or taking deep, cleaning breaths.  She did seem to understand that a trip to see her doctor may be in order.  SIL was relieved to hear this.

On the way home I got to thinking (of course!) about fears – real or imagined.  I think SIL correctly guessed the source of MIL’s anxiety – she was by herself in Florida for the first time and it terrified her.  Once the fear started, there was no going back.

I have been really struggling at work with stress and anxiety…worse than usual.  I’m not exactly sure why or what started it but it is close to debilitating.  It’s hard to function and concentrate. I’m beginning to realize some of it is fear of failure or fear of not being “perfect”.  I set the bar pretty high for how I perform my job and then beat myself up for perceived failure.

This is after more than a year of dealing with so many deeply personal fears – fear of being alone and sick, fear of surgery, fear of chemo, and fear of financial disaster.

Today I’ve been thinking about how we don’t talk about our fears.  We are afraid to share because we don’t want to seem weak or stupid or silly or crazy.  We bury as much as we can so no one else will know. And then these real or imagined fears control us.  The fear and anxiety control what we do or don’t do.

Even when we share our fears, they are usually brushed off.  Cancer?  Oh, you can handle that…no sweat!

Maybe it’s just scary to hear other people vocalizing what we are burying in our soul.  I suspect there are many people involved in bad or unfulfilling relationships to avoid being “alone”.  We have all been there, right?  But to actually say that out loud?  Not many people will do that.

So the next time someone says “I am terrified….of whatever” please stop and think before you say…don’t be silly!  Honor the fact that someone trust you enough to share something like this with you.  Take a moment to listen to what they have to say, and remember that you have fears, too.

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Full speed ahead….

Written By: Pam - Feb• 13•17

So where was I?  Oh yeah, deciding on the vacation.

Well, I am going!  Threw caution to the wind and decided to just GO.  No regrets yet lol.  Airfare is booked, passport has been renewed, and final payment made on Friday.  All I need to do now is show up on May 16.

The kitchen project is also plugging along.  Met with the designer lady, Lora, Saturday morning.  She drew up some plans based on the measurements the guy took a couple of weeks ago.  Do you have any idea how many different kinds of kitchen cabinet styles there are?  And colors?  It’s overwhelming.

But, I listen to my gut after listing to my wallet.  On top of the many colors available, you can also have cabinets painted in your chosen “custom color”.  I wanted an off white color and would like to throw in some gray.  The antique white was too yellow/cream looking and the other alleged off white was, well, too white.  Out came the million choices on the Sherwin Williams paint chips and BAM! there was a slightly off white color with a slight gray tone.  Sold!

I went with the slightly cheaper cabinet door and the custom color.  In the end, it was about the same price as the higher grade cabinet in a color I didn’t love.

Then it was time to decide on the counter top.  Granite or quartz?  Color?  As I stood there like a deer in the headlights, I secretly wished SIL was there to help choose.  She loves to to interior decorating and is really, really good at it.  Nothing jumped out at me and that decision still has to be made.  Followed by the backsplash.  The tile / stone place is local so I plan to swing by there – with a floor tile – to look at more samples.  Thinking I will go with quartz, though.

When I was just finishing treatment last year, someone in the online support group mentioned a (free) program at the YMCA through the LiveStrong organization for cancer survivors.  When I checked locally, the group had already started and there were no openings but I was put on a waiting list.

Well, last week the lady at the Y emailed me to say I made the cut for the next group starting next week.  This came just after I decided that I had enough on my plate for now….no singing group this time around for me.  But now this?  Do it or not?  It’s twice a week from noon until 1:15.

I decided to do it.  This is something I need to do for myself.  In some ways, I feel like I didn’t take enough time to transition from treatment to “real life”.  This is the year for taking advantage of opportunities while I am able to do so.

So it’s been busy and will continue to be busy.  Sometimes I feel like the last few years have either been moving along at warp speed or at a crawl.  All of 2015 was crazy with projects around the house and travel followed by a year of doctor appointments and treatment.

There has to be a happy medium here somewhere.  I keep telling myself that I will work extra hard this year to keep the salary up to pay for all this stuff.   And then, hopefully, I can dial it down a notch or two.

I still fear dealing with Round Two of cancer, more than I could ever tell you.  THAT keeps me going.  So much to accomplish in an uncertain amount of time.

It’s a sobering thought.

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Throwing caution to the wind…

Written By: Pam - Jan• 22•17

Ok, so it wasn’t a LOT of caution, but it still required some mental gymnastics to call AAA and say “sign me up!”.  So yes, I will be going on a river cruise in May.  It’s been an interesting week.

In the end, my fear of regret won out over the argument to be more “careful” financially.  I am sick and tired of working just to pay bills.  Or working to possibly save up for “something” even though the day may never come that I can do the thing I am saving up to do.

I got to thinking about how a lot of people spend their lives.  We are weirdly afraid to be happy or do what makes us happy.  We are afraid to take chances – possibly because we are afraid what other people will think.  We are afraid of what might happen, or not happen, in the future.

We spend so much time preparing for some unknown disaster that we forget to live.

One day, I went to lunch and took my Kindle as usual.  I thought I had downloaded a new book to read but it wasn’t showing up for some reason….so I decided to go back to reading a book I downloaded some time ago called “Simple Reminders”.

The amusing part is the page that opened – more or less random – was talking about listening to your inner voice.  Yeah, that was my problem! That annoying voice in my head is always trying to talk me out of doing things.

“You cannot always trust your inner voice. Often, your inner voice is not really yours.  You are not who you think you are; you are someone else’s ideas…. A great deal of fear has been intentionally put into people…. We are so immersed in fear that we have accepted it as normal. It is often invisible.  But the signs are there if you look for them: anxiety, uneasiness and a malaise of nagging feelings that things are not right – and always, always – the voice…  

The false voice speaks portrays timidity as safety.  The false voice speaks of consequence but never of constitution.  The false voice whispers of loss and regret, but never the hidden beauty of the moment. When you are feeling strong, the false voice reminds you of past ordeals, and takes you back to relive the anxiety and trauma, over and over. The false voice is a master doubt whisperer.”

While the author then went on to talk about other people (or institutions) making us feel fear and how strong really are, the inner voice thing really spoke to me.  I think my inner voice sounds like my parents.

When we were kids, my parents worked hard at blue collar jobs.  They worked, took care of the house, and then worked some more.  They scrimped and saved for some nice things, maybe a new car.  We always had decent Christmas presents but we shopped for school clothes at K-Mart.  We were not exactly poor but we definitely didn’t have all the trappings of a comfortable life.  There was not a lot of time and energy for frivolous stuff.  Definitely not enough money for extravagant things.

So it’s my parents who I hear in my head.  And my brother.  He has had a comfortable life and has lived carefully enough to have no debt.

But I wonder.  How sad would it be to live carefully, save money, and then die without actually ENJOYING it?

How sad, indeed.

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So many decisions!

Written By: Pam - Jan• 15•17

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What a difference a year makes!  Last year at this time, I was recovering from surgery and waiting for the lab results that would change my life forever.

This year, I am starting to plan a kitchen remodeling project and a possible bucket list trip.  For the record, refinancing the mortgage may have been one of the best decisions I ever made.  A lot of the financial stress from last year has been resolved.  Thankful for that!

So, if you have been around here much, you know I am a bucket list kind of girl.  One of the things I am struggling with – a lot – after cancer is figuring out how to re-prioritize the to do list.  The reality is that the cancer could come back at any time.  Or maybe not.  No one knows.

Yesterday I finally took myself to a kitchen contractor’s show room to start the process.  I’m not certain how expensive it will be (or, what level of expensiveness) but I have to find out.  Right?  Had a lovely chat with a kitchen designer guy who will send someone out to measure things so they can come up with a plan.  It’s exciting and terrifying at the same time.

BUT…part of the refinancing plan was to cash out some funds to get the kitchen done so I can possibly sell the albatross that is my house at some point in the future.  Maybe.

I sort of promised myself that I would go somewhere exciting for vacation this year since I went nowhere aside from Pennsylvania (and Naples) last year.  I’m not exactly complaining about how things worked out since I am more than thrilled that I was able to work in two trips to PA and a long weekend in Naples while going through everything else.  It was an accomplishment, no doubt.

So, I started to think about options.  There are two National Park road trips to the northwest US that sound pretty great (northern CA and OR or WA state).  I would most likely be going alone and for whatever reason that is bothering me.  I could be wrong, but most of the places on the trip would be fairly remote and a tiny red flag is waving in my head.

I also looked at some European trips which would mean group travel.  Ireland, Scotland, maybe Iceland again.  Hmmmm….  The Iceland trip I want to do is now a 10 day thing with travel to the places we visited in 2015.   Not that it would be bad going back to see the same sites a second time…I’d really rather spend my days (and dollars) seeing something new.

And then I got to thinking about those river cruises in Europe.  I suppose somewhere in the back of my brain, I always thought that would be a cool thing to do.  So I started to nose around on some of the websites (a bad thing lol ) and the idea took off.

I requested info from Viking River Cruises and was highly disappointed.

The per person rate wasn’t all that awful but there is no such thing as a “single supplement” with Viking. I would have to pay double – or the full fare of two people – to go.  Not a deal at all!

Of course, I couldn’t let it go.  Nope.  I found a bunch of other companies that also do the river cruises.  Huh.  I ended up on the AAA website looking for deals there…and, this is creepy, they track when people are on the website looking around.  A travel agent emailed me asking if she could help plan a trip.

So, I floated the idea of a river cruise on the Rhine in May or June but I do not want to pay double.  I figured that would FINALLY be the end of it.  Too expensive to consider, and then I could move on and go back to the northwest road trip idea.

But no.  There is a company that is WAIVING the single supplement for a mid May cruise date.  All inclusive.  Small ship.  Highly rated.  Castles Along the Rhine it is called and yes, there are castles to be seen.  The travel agent called Friday afternoon – she asked the company to hold a reservation for me until Tuesday.

And now I have to decide.  Do I say eff it and go? Do I say “no” because it more than I usually spend on a vacation and do the financially prudent thing?  I have been wrestling with this all weekend, like I’m waiting for someone to “give me permission” to do something slightly extravagant.

In the back of my head is a little voice that is whispering…”Go, you don’t know you will be able to do this again.  Ever.”

I know I would tell OTHER people to throw caution to the wind and do what makes them happy.  Why is it so hard to tell myself that?

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Good bye 2016!

Written By: Pam - Jan• 01•17

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Like a lot of folks, I have been reflecting on the disaster that was 2016.  I’m pretty happy to be moving on to 2017.

It was a year of so many challenges and not fun stuff.  And yet, here I am, still kicking.

Christmas was actually pretty nice this year, minus the hassles of traveling.  Last year, things were weird. No one wanted to be overtly happy in my presence (or so it seemed) and I hated being the damper on people’s good cheer.  It was just hard to be cheery while facing so many unknowns but I tried.  Really hard.

So this year had none of that drama in the background.  Even the MIL was less annoying than usual.  And, get this, the MIL actually gave me a monetary gift of a fairly significant amount (to me at least).  Last year she offered me a loan which I turned down.  This year it was a check with no strings attached.  First gift – EVER – 0f any sort from her.  Huh.  All things considered, the year ended on a much more positive note than it started.

The mortgage has been refinanced and I will be paying off two debts with the cash out and will use the rest toward renovating the kitchen.  I’d rather just spend it on a vacation but I’m trying to be an adult.  lol

But getting back to 2016.  I suppose there were some good things that happened.  There was some personal growth that was not anticipated but still a good thing.  Some friendships were strengthened while others withered and died.  Not a bad thing at all.  I have a better relationship with my SIL after she spent so much time here to help out during chemo.  Heck, she wants to come back in spring to take care of the garden she planted last year.  Well, that, and to soak up the warm Florida sunshine.

Now more than ever, I am trying to figure out how to cram in as much fun stuff as possible while I can.  I am still quite aware of the possibility of cancer coming back again.  Prioritizing the bucket list is a bit more complicated and yet simpler at the same time.  It’s just hard to explain.

So, this New Year’s Eve is like a rebirth for me.  Time to let go of the misery of 2016 and plan to enjoy the hell out of 2017. 😀

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On being single….

Written By: Pam - Nov• 25•16

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Um, I couldn’t find a fancy meme with the right quote so how about a sunset pic from Naples instead?

I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving doing whatever it is you chose to do.  It was a quiet day here which was perfect.  The clouds kept me from the beach but that’s ok.  I managed to get back to working on the book today which was pretty exciting.  Plan to do some shopping tomorrow which is also exciting. It’s been a long time since I went shopping for fun stuff.

But back to the post.  I think I mentioned a certain male “friend” that I have known for a number of years.  Well, we had a sort of interesting email conversation a few weeks ago.  He is surprised I never found someone to marry or whatever.  He meant it in a good way I suppose – he thinks I’m a catch! lol

Comments like this make me think before I respond.  At this point in my life, I no longer expect to “find someone” and that is somewhat liberating.  I was secretly looking for my white knight for years and now I have accepted he is nowhere to be found.  But it’s not really a bad thing.

When I look at the big picture, I think things have worked out pretty well.  I know being paired up with someone has its advantages.  Yup, I really do.  But I think about all the things I have been able to do BECAUSE I remained single and I think that about evens things up.  And I think about the people I met that I would not have met as a married person and, again, things are about even.  Maybe even better for me.

I suppose (well, I know) there are those folks who spend a lifetime whining about not finding that perfect “someone” and never do anything they want to do.  I have tried to not let it hold me back although there are some things I will not do alone.  It’s simply a choice.  For the most part, I am pretty happy with how things worked out.

Besides, I know way too many married people who are so very unhappy.  Is there anything lonelier than being trapped in a loveless marriage?  Isn’t it depressing to spend your life with someone you don’t really like all that much?  Who has it worse?  The happy single person or the miserable married person?

So imagine my amusement the other night when I heard from someone that I went out with once or twice years ago.  As far as I was concerned, there was no compatibility and no spark.  He found me on facebook and we remained acquaintances.

He met and married someone a few years ago and I was happy for him, mainly because that was what he said he wanted.  Things seemed to be going well – he bought her a car a year or so ago – and he posted pictures of the two of them on vacation or whatever.

Apparently, things are not as they seem (on facebook, imagine that!) and he thinks the marriage is “over”.  He wanted to get together which I declined.

So again, who is happier here?  The forever single girl or the married guy?

Exactly.

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A debt of gratitude…

Written By: Pam - Nov• 23•16

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Gosh, I have not written here since early October.  Where has the time gone?

To catch you up on things….I started the book and now need to do the hard part.  By the time I am done working for the day, my brain is too tired to do much besides take a nap.  But I’ll get back to it.

I went to Naples for a long weekend at the beach a couple of weeks ago.  The trip was paid for by an attorney I know…sort of long story.   It was the second Ritz Carlton I have stayed at and, yeah, it’s posh all right.  It took about a day to relax and realize no one would figure out I was really too poor to be there.  😀  I met my manager for the first time which was cool.  We kicked a bottle of champagne while sitting on the balcony of my room which had a view of the Gulf of Mexico…and then we went to the spa.  Totally decadent and I enjoyed every minute of it.

And then reality hit.  A bunch of work was transferred to me and I got slammed with some other stuff at work so it’s been busy.  I rejoined the singing group – women’s ensemble they call it now – and our concert was last Friday night.  Oh, and I decided to refinance the mortgage.  This four day holiday weekend is sorely needed.

So, back to the point of the post.  This is the time of year when everyone starts talking about how thankful they are for the usual stuff – family, friends, health, blah..blah…blah.  I always wonder how much of what is said is just said because it is expected.  Do people really believe it?

It has been just about exactly one year since the initial cancer diagnosis.  One year.  In a way, I feel pretty much exactly like I did last November, physically.  Mentally, not so much.  Financially, I am way further deeper in a hole which is why the mortgage is being refinanced.

Last night when I was trying to fall asleep, I was overcome by emotions related to gratitude. I am so far beyond grateful for so many things. How can I ever thank the people who were kind and compassionate over the past year?  I’m not really talking about those who sent gifts or my sister in law who came to stay with me.

I am talking about the people who work at the Publix where I shop every week who took the time to ask – seriously ask – how I was doing.  These are the same people who were thrilled with the CT scan results.

Or the people at the vet who were there with just a smile nearly every day.

Or the people in the singing group who were there with hugs and words of encouragement when I went to a concert sporting one of those stupid hats…people who don’t even know my name.

Or, and this is the one that made me cry, the man who continued to tell me I was sexy even when I was bald and felt completely broken inside.  How can I ever express my gratitude to him?  How can I ever thank someone for giving me a part of myself back again?

It is so very important to remember that even small things can mean the world to other people, even total strangers.  A smile.  A hello.  Holding the door open.  A hug.  Kind words.  Listening.  Being there.  I can’t even begin to tell you how grateful I am for all the people who did these things for me.

So really all I can do is pay it forward.  Pass on the kindness to someone else who needs it.

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And so I decided…

Written By: Pam - Oct• 02•16

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Decided what, you ask?  Well, I think I have decided to go ahead with trying to write a book of some sort.  Yes, indeed.  I figure the challenge will be writing it, not sure about the publishing part.  It’s pretty easy to publish an e-book on Amazon these days. We’ll see.

I started keeping a written journal during the cancer journey.  I thought I started it pretty early on, but the first date is actually March 3 which is about 3 months after the initial diagnoses.

Luckily, I had been writing on here about the events of those three months so part of the book is already sort of started.   The not so lucky part for you is that you will have to re-read stuff you already saw.  If you decide to actually buy the book after I decide to actually publish it.

I am on a sort of creative roll right now.  Finished an afghan, started a new one that will be much more difficult and involved, decided to knit infinity scarves for Christmas gifts, have two mosaic projects waiting to be grouted (it’s too hot to do that outside), and now the book thing.  Work is getting in the way!

Speaking of work, I am back mostly full time now and meh, still sucks like before but I am poor so there really isn’t a choice.  Still trying to figure out a plan to not be poor, but it might be after the first of the year until the plan can be executed.

In the meantime, there is a trip to Naples coming up in a month or so. I told my manager that I would need to get away for a long weekend somewhere if the cancer treatment worked.  I thought a weekend in Naples on the beach would be nice so the two of us could actually meet.  It’s true, I have never met my manager in person.  She was on board and so a plan was hatched.

Turns out an attorney I work with has a relative who works at the Ritz Carlton in Naples so he can get the “friends and family” rate for the room…otherwise I would be staying at Motel 6 lol.  The same attorney said she wanted to pay for an afternoon spa session for me and my manager who will be turning 50 later on this week.  So we will be having a spa treatment Sunday afternoon at the Ritz.  Ahh…..

I still have one tiny hump to get over later on this month – the follow up CT scan to be sure the tiny spot on my lung hasn’t changed from the prior scan.

And then….I reconnected with a guy I met a couple of years ago “elsewhere” 😉 who moved to Santa Barbara a couple of years ago and we lost touch.  I sent him a text to wish him a happy birthday a couple of weeks ago and found out he is now in Las Vegas.  There is an invitation to go to Vegas if the results of the scan are good.

Keeping fingers crossed.

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A bit of good news!

Written By: Pam - Sep• 04•16

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So the CT scan results came in last week and it was all good news!   No signs of cancer in my pelvic area!  There was one teeny tiny nodule in my right lung which may be totally benign.  Since there was no prior scan for comparison, they are going to do another can in a couple of months to see if there are any changes to the teeny tiny nodule.  If not, then I go into monitoring mode.  All good.

I found this out last Monday and it was hard to concentrate the rest of the week.  So much to do!  I shipped an afghan to my sister in law as a thank you gift and gave another one to the friend who provided transportation when we went out to dinner Wednesday night.  Then there was the ongoing “to do” list that has been mostly ignored for many months.  It was hard to decide where to start.

On top of that, I was still mentally processing all that happened over the past 10 months.   Shortly after being diagnosed the thought popped in my head “what if this is it?” meaning…what if I would be unable to do more of the things I always wanted to do?  What if I wasted my life?  It was like being slapped upside the head.

It’s not really a secret that I have never really liked my career.  In fact, there have been many times that I have hated it and yet, I kept at because the money was reasonably good and I was GOOD at it.  I tried to do other things but failed.  And then in what seems like the blink of an eye….28 years went by.  So I have spent most of my adult life getting up every day to do something that does not make my soul happy.  It’s a sobering thought.

I thought I had done a reasonably good job at planning to do the things I always wanted to do.  You know, the proverbial crossing things off the bucket list.  In some ways, I have done quite well and in others, not so much.  It seems like I have been PLANNING to do certain things for a long time but shit just gets in the way.  Life gets in the way.  It makes me wonder if I have had a “good” life or not.  There really is no answer for that question; it’s all subjective.

It’s a good thing to have a three day weekend to get my head back in order.  A very good thing.  I have been puttering around the house doing little things that didn’t seem to get done before.  All those little things that got pushed off because I was tired, or had no money, or I just didn’t feel like it.

And that got me to thinking about how important DESIRE is in our everyday lives.  It’s far more important than I realized and I didn’t appreciate it until it was gone.  No desire = apathy.  And let me tell you apathy is no fun at all.

I was ravenously hungry for pizza Friday night.  That might not sound all that exciting but it was for me. I haven’t had a real appetite since, I dunno, last December?  And by appetite I mean feeling hungry and the desire for specific food.  Throughout treatment, I rarely felt hungry and ever more rarely felt desire for specific food (aside from sweets 😀 ).

Aside from appetite, there is also the desire to work, to go for a walk, to do pleasurable things, and just take care of things in life.  When there is no desire  or WANT, then these things all turn into chores.  It is exactly no fun at all to have to push yourself mentally to just function in life.  It’s not easily explained, but I can tell you that feeling the desire to take the dog for a walk or to repot a plant without feeling overwhelmed is nothing short of amazing.  In a lot of ways, I almost feel reborn.

The takeaway is this…do not ever take your desire to do something for granted and quit waiting for the perfect moment to do the things you want to do.

It’s time to reorganize the bucket list.  😀

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