Twisted Kismet

The sometimes crazy road from here to there

Making progress….

Written By: Pam - Apr• 07•16

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So….it’s been a while.  It was a crazy but mostly good week.

I have now declared myself one third of the way through the Treatment Plan.  I happen to be pretty proud of getting this far relatively unscathed.

My sister in law arrived last Monday, just in time for Chemo Round Three on Tuesday.  That went fairly well, at least as well as having poison pumped into your veins can go.  I had already suggested that she work on the garden in the front of the house.  There were dead plants there from last year and weeds.  I just did not have the energy or desire to deal with it.  She LOVES to garden and is really into planting and landscaping.  A win-win!

Wednesday morning we went out to a local nursery to pick out plants.  It was our last chance to do this before the crappiness settled in later on that day.  I basically told her to get whatever plants she wanted. She had already cleared out the dead stuff and weeds on Tuesday while I rested at Spa Infusion.  We picked out a bunch of plants and she started digging that afternoon.

The pic above is the finished garden area.  She was thrilled to have a project to work on which happened to be one of her passions, thrilled to be out in the warm sunshine, and thrilled to be able to cool off in the pool.  In other words, her nine day here was like a vacation.  lol  She worked on the garden almost every day…we ended her stay with planting sunflower seeds in two large containers by the pool.

I will say this.  The anger and disappointment I felt with her at Christmas has completely disappeared.  I was almost sad to see her go today.  It was a giant relief to have someone here to just take care of things.

The icemaker broke in the fridge some time on Wednesday so I had to call the repair guy.  I also decided to have some other stuff repaired at the same time.  I explained all the repairs to her before I went to lie down on Thursday.  The repair guy showed up a little early so she closed the bedroom door (which I slept through) and then showed the guy what all needed to be fixed.  I didn’t get up until it was all done.

I joked to someone that I totally needed to get me a wife.  🙂  Yes, that is what it felt like I had.

We also made some stepping stones Saturday evening.

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Yup, those are some shells from the beach trip last October.

I went back to work Monday and managed to work partial days this week.  Yesterday I decided we needed to get out and enjoy the beautiful weather so I bagged work and we went to some local gardens to wander around.  It felt good to get out and enjoy life after feeling like crap.  2016-04-05 12.36.28

All in all it was a very good week.  There were some negative things but I’m trying to look at the big picture and we’ll just leave it at that.

Next up will be radiation some time around the end of April.  Not exactly sure how that will go but I am trying to remain cautiously optimistic since chemo went rather well.  I am hoping for a break after radiation some time in June so I can get out of here for a long weekend and visit the folks up north.

But for now, I plan to enjoy a short break from treatment even if that only means sitting by the pool and reading a book.  🙂

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Emotionally messed up days…

Written By: Pam - Mar• 27•16

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I rarely admit to being messed up in the head lol.  But seriously, the past few weeks have been a bit of a mess emotionally.

I will admit to being angry, frustrated, and anxious.  And maybe a bit depressed.  Not really a good mixture no matter how you look at it.  I’m not sure which one of the emotions was worse.  The anger was hard to pinpoint – it’s like being angry with a ghost or moving target.  It’s far “easier” to be angry with a person than a situation.  A situation can’t really be yelled at and it can’t apologize.

Several times last week, I considered calling the social worker to get a referral to a counselor and then I talked myself out of it.  I wasn’t sure it would actually resolve anything except for possibly being able to vent.  And some of what I wanted to vent about sounded entirely ridiculous outside of my head.

I opted to read some Pema Chodron again…When Things Fall Apart in particular.  This is my third read of the book and I have to tell you….I take something away from her words every time.  The basic premise of the book is that crap happens and that is life.  This is, of course, true but sometimes you just need to get slapped upside the head with it for it to sink in.

“Seeking security or perfection, rejoicing in feeling confirmed and whole, self contained and comfortable, is some kind of death.  We are killing the moment by controlling our experience.  Doing this is setting ourselves up for failure, because sooner or later, we are going to have an experience we can’t control.”  

“To be fully alive, fully human, and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest.”

“Death is wanting to hold on to what you have and to have every experience confirm you and congratulate you and make you feel completely together.  So even though we say the yama mara is fear of death, it is actually fear of life.” 

And then I had to put the book down to think about these passages and the quote in the pic above.  It got me to thinking how a lot of my frustration and anger is really loss of control.  I tried to control every aspect of my life to have it stay all neat and tidy and when cancer blew it up, I was totally thrown out of the nest.  Majorly thrown out of the nest several times.

I remember thinking about how I felt like I was in a rut by last fall.  Like I was stuck running on a treadmill going nowhere.  So perhaps what I’m going through now is the Universe getting me unstuck (in a mean and horrible way, but still).

When all this started to happen, I think I wrote a blog post about how perhaps cancer was meant to be part of my story.  These passages just reminded me of that.  Perhaps there is a bigger meaning here, a wake up call of sorts.  Or it could just be total suckage but I dunno, thinking there is a bigger meaning removes a lot of anxiety and anger.  Maybe there is something better planned for me in the years to come.

These are the things I hope to contemplate at Spa Infusion on Tuesday when I go in for Round Three of chemo.  My sister in law arrives tomorrow to stay with me for nine days.  As much as I love my space, I am actually looking forward to her being here.  She was actually good company when I felt crappy.  You know there are just some people you don’t want around when you don’t feel your best.  Not sure how things will go this time since I felt a little worse after Round Two.  Looking forward to getting it done even though I have to go back for more, likely in June.  Yay.

Hope all of you are doing well these days….

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A little bit of gratitude

Written By: Pam - Mar• 20•16

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There’s a lot of chatter about “gratitude journals” and such.  I never could seem to get in the habit of purposely writing down things to be grateful for.  I dunno, it just seems a little sappy.  But some people swear by it, so who am I to judge?

I saw the radiology oncologist last week and it was actually a good visit.  He seems like a very down to earth and personable man and he knew the history of my diagnosis and surgery (without looking at a chart!).  He was also willing to answer questions, always a plus.  The part that was a little unnerving is when he said my particular brand of cancer is “high risk” because it was found in multiple lymph nodes.  Isn’t cancer already high risk without having to take on those words?

In other words, the tumor is gone but “microscopic disease” is still, theoretically, floating around somewhere in my body.  THIS is my reality.  So they are going to try to kill it with chemo (which goes everywhere) and radiation (targeted to one main area).  There will be really no way to know if it is “gone” unless it doesn’t show up again.  For five years.  Sobering thought, no?

I originally thought there might be a week or two of relative down time from treatment so I could travel back to PA and visit with some folks and just get the heck out of the house for a few days.  That turned out to not really be the case.  April is already filled with appointments and radiation will likely start toward the end of the month…and that will go for five days a week for five weeks.  Yup.  Fun stuff.

So I was majorly bumming last week.  For the past 15 or 20 years, I have almost ALWAYS had a plan to go somewhere, even for just a long weekend, on the future agenda.  And now, no plan and really no plans can be made more than a week or two in advance.  It’s frustrating and upsetting.

Anyway, I have been brainstorming places to go that are nearby and can be done in a couple of hours (and NO, anything Disney is completely off the agenda).   I decided to take Chance on a little hike this morning by a local lake…our Walk in the Woods so to speak.  But it was raining this morning meaning the walk would likely be a bit swampy.  Bummer.

Instead, I decided to do our usual 3 mile Sunday morning walk with a twist.  In order to make it seem more like an “outing” I decided to take pictures along the way of beautiful things.  We have done this walk hundreds of times over the years but this was the first time I stopped to really enjoy the sites AND the first to really seek out photo worthy subjects.  The picture above is a pond by the golf course.

Along the way, I decided to be grateful for feeling well enough to walk three miles AND to be grateful for such a nice route to walk.  Totally cheered me up so maybe there is something to be said for that gratitude thing.  Huh.  Lesson learned.  🙂

And here is Chance telling me to put down the dang camera so we can keep walking….

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About “fighting”

Written By: Pam - Mar• 13•16

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I have mentioned Brene Brown’s books before and highly recommend as thought provoking reading material.  In her book Daring Greatly she talks about “getting into the ring” or showing up in our own lives.  The above quote is from her most recent book.   I’ll get to the point in a minute.

So this past week was Round Two of chemo and I am dealing with it “solo”.  I have to admit two things – the first is that I missed having company in the days after AND I didn’t bounce back quite as well as the first round.  I still feel wiped out five days later and I don’t take that to be a good sign.  I did manage to walk the dog just over a mile this morning and do the laundry but I have had to lie down several times to gather up the strength to keep moving.

Which brings me to….the comments people make about how I have to “fight” this disease.  I have been stewing about these comments for over a week now and just have to get out some thoughts.  No one could ever know – unless they have been through this or any other chronic/serious illness – how much I fight this disease every waking moment of every day in ways never before contemplated.

Let’s take Thursday for example – the day I knew I would be feeling the worst fatigue and general crappiness.  I had to go back to Spa Infusion to have blood drawn in the morning and then the cleaning ladies were supposed to arrive shortly after lunch.  Seems like a pretty “no big deal” day until you feel like do not have the energy to walk, let alone drive somewhere.  But I did.

Of course, the county was doing some sort of mock disaster drill in the parking lot and there were no parking spots left.  People were circling the lot three or four times to find a spot somewhere close to the building.  I wanted to cry.  Luckily, someone was backing out of a reasonably close spot and disaster was averted.

So I crawled into the office thinking it would be a 10 minute deal. Nope, they were unable to get blood from the port (will not say what happened…TMI and it would likely make you queasy) so it turned into an hour long process getting stuck with four different needles.  Yeah, I don’t fight hard enough.

The cleaning ladies then arrived and I was just about down for the count.  All I wanted to do was lie down in peace but I had to wait until they left.  At least the house was clean.

So what sounds like “nothing” to most folks was an ordeal for me…and yes, I find that somewhat depressing.  It’s hard to accept feeling like crap for days on end when you know there is stuff that needs to be done.

Now back to the quote.   What I take from it is this – don’t stand on the sidelines yelling at me to “keep going!” or “fight harder!” or “you can do this!” unless you are willing to get in the ring WITH ME.  It’s easy to stand on the sidelines and shout what you think are encouraging words but far harder to get IN the ring, stand next to someone and say something like “we’ll fight this together”.  And yes, I totally count myself in with the first group of people who shout from the sidelines.  I have learned so much already about empathy and courage.

I fight this disease every morning when I convince myself to get out of bed hoping to feel better than the day before.  I fight it every time I do “normal” stuff and try to act “normal”.   I fight it every time I stick a stupid hat on my head and plant a smile on my face to pretend it doesn’t matter.

‘Nuff said.

I hope to go back to work tomorrow for a few hours.  I see a radiology oncologist on Tuesday morning to find out more about the fun plan for radiation therapy.  Radiation will be Part Two of the three part Fun With Cancer ordeal.

Wish me luck.

 

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It’s a mental thing

Written By: Pam - Mar• 06•16

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So it was a tough go last week.  I wore a scarf / headband thing Wednesday morning and afternoon and then out to dinner.  It was uncomfortable because my scalp was also sore.

Thursday morning, I went to the infusion center place to have blood drawn.  The nurse suggested shaving my head because it is easier mentally to not have to look at the wads of hair coming off your head.  I told her I wasn’t sure I had worked up the courage for that yet.  She said everyone approaches it differently.  That was one of the most compassionate conversations I have had about this whole hair loss thing.

Of course, I obsessed about it all day Thursday.  I remembered I had a small amount of Captain Morgan rum left – the only alcohol in the house since before the first chemo session.  I decided I would allow myself to have the last of the rum if I gathered up the courage to shave my head.

And so I did.  I took myself out to the back yard Thursday night and gave myself a buzz cut.  It was not liberating.  It was not fun.  I was relieved, however, when it was done.  And then I said hello to the Captain one last time.

I shared the experience with a close circle of friends on facebook, the people I chose to be part of my “tribe” and I have to say I was both happy and sad, no angry, with some of the responses.  Two people will be kicked out of the tribe, sort of like Survivor.  lol

Who knew women would be the ones telling me to get over it and just wear a pretty scarf.  Seriously.  I wrote out a whole rant on this topic today but don’t plan to share here.

I will share this, however.  It is part of a blog post I found on a website that sells head coverings for people like me…

It may come as a surprise when a loved one or friend with cancer seems to fret more about the notion of losing hair than fatigue, nausea, and pain. Experiencing hair loss is a very common fear among cancer patients. Unless you have experienced hair loss yourself, it isn’t possible to know what your friend or loved one is feeling. Hair loss makes cancer patients feel exposed and vulnerable. Something this visible can cause an unwelcome intrusion, transforming a personal health struggle into one that is public. There are many things you can do to help, starting with understanding that coping with hair loss is about more than vanity.

‘Nuff said about that.  Be careful what you say to people after they admit to having fears and anxieties about certain issues you simply do not understand.  The best response was from my manager who knew I was upset all week.  She said “I am so proud of you, I know it was hard for you.  You were so brave to do that”.  And there ya go.

I’m still working through all the emotional trauma, maybe a week off work will help.  Um yeah.  This week will be Round Two of chemo and I’m really hoping it goes about as well as Round One.  There are no guarantees of this, it could be much worse.

Tomorrow is a doctor appointment where I hope to get no bad news.  Afterward, I’d like to stop at the garden place for a short stroll because it is literally on the way home and I have a season pass.

Thursday will be a trek back to the infusion place to have blood drawn AND the cleaning people will be there.  Not exactly sure how Thursday will go because that will likely be the worst day for fatigue.  Wish me luck, I am going solo for this chemo round (aside from a ride to and from on Tuesday).

Still have a few things to do to get ready for the rest of the week.  At least this time around, I have a better idea of what to expect.

So many mental things to deal with.  It just makes my brain tired.   Resilience.  It’s not for cowards.

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The good, the bad, and….

Written By: Pam - Mar• 02•16

Well, I don’t want to say ugly.  Too cliche.

So it was a pretty fabulous weekend (the good).  I pulled the trigger and bought me a new TV (thank you Uncle Sam!) Friday afternoon after the cleaning people left.  After that, I only left the house to walk the dog and make a quick grocery run.  It was so nice to have a relaxing and peaceful weekend.

The plan was to work like a fiend this week to prepare for being out next week for Round Two of chemo.  Seemed reasonable enough.

Then during my shower Monday morning, I noticed more hair than usual coming out.  Uh oh.  I knew my hair would fall out but I was NOT expecting it to happen so soon (the bad).  Totally freaked me out.  I have been in a funk for two days.  And yeah, it’s getting worse.

I know I wasn’t prepared mentally for this and I have to tell you I was totally depressed to wash my hair in the shower this morning.  I dread tomorrow morning already.

Yes, this is completely distressing TO ME.  The next female who says something like “but it will grow back!” will get this in reply:

“If it is no big deal, then shave you head on purpose and join me in forced baldness for the next 8 months”.  Doubt there will be any takers.

But…but…I do have a night out (dinner) planned for tomorrow night.  I plan on trying out one of my new head scarf things to get used to the idea.  As much as it pains me.

And…and…various people have been telling me over the years that I should write a book.  Hmmm…I think there might one in my head now about this entire awful experience.  And it’s hardly even begun.  Stay tuned, ya never know.  🙂

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Sometimes it’s the little things…

Written By: Pam - Feb• 25•16

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So my sister in law went back home yesterday.  While it was great to have company for Round One, it was just a great to get my house back again.  I almost didn’t know what to do first last night.

Today was the first round of blood tests post chemo.  There is sort of a lot riding on how my body reacts to the drugs – if my immune system becomes too compromised they might have to change the dosage.  That happened to my mom.  She became so sick after chemo her doctor had to reduce the dosage of drugs which meant the cancer could not be stopped.

The good news is, the “numbers” are where they are supposed to be.  It was a good start to the day.  A really good start.

I have managed to get mostly caught up at work.  Also very good news.  My energy level is back up to near normal and I physically feel 100% again.

And….the best news of all?  I finally pulled the trigger on hiring a cleaning company to clean the house.  For whatever reason, this was harder than hiring the pool guy but I decided today to think of it as a treat to myself.  Just one less thing to have to think about.

So the cleaning people said they could start March 10 for biweekly service.  All good.  She asked if I wanted to have the house cleaned BEFORE that.  Yes, I would.  So they will be here tomorrow.

I cannot tell you how excited I am about this!  And…how excited I am that I am excited about something again!

The house has not been cleaned since early January before my brother arrived.  Since then, I have gone through two surgeries and one round of chemo, all with recovery periods.  I am ready for a break.

So the thought of a weekend with no plans, no company, no anxiety and stress to prepare for some procedure or other, no nothing…while sitting in a clean house is thrilling beyond words.  I might have to cry after they leave tomorrow.

These little things don’t sound like a lot but I am taking whatever good stuff I can and treasuring every moment of it.  I know there is more “less than good” to come in the next few weeks but for now…a relaxing weekend while not feeling like crap is pretty darn wonderful.

Don’t ever forget to appreciate whatever good things are going on in your life.  Treasure every single one of them.

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One down and five plus more to go

Written By: Pam - Feb• 22•16

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Well, shoot, that is awfully small print.  😉

So where were we?  Oh yeah, chemo last week.  SIL arrived Saturday early afternoon and we actually had a rather enjoyable weekend including a shopping trip on Sunday and an afternoon at a local garden place on Monday.     And then there was Tuesday morning.

The best part of the day was that the location for chemo was changed to the hospital near my house.   It was somewhat unexpected but a complete relief.

At the last doctor appointment, I was promised “patient education” which I stupidly thought would happen before showing up for treatment.  Um, no.  The physician assistant who runs the infusion center met with us to explain some things.  And again, I was thrown for a loop.

Turns out I must have had a mental block after hearing the cancer stage and need for chemo – I blocked out the AMOUNT of chemo treatment.  I had accepted two rounds of chemo with a couple of weeks of radiation but had NOT accepted SIX rounds of chemo with SIX weeks of radiation.  That means something like six months of treatment total.  I could have cried.  SIL almost fell off her chair.  And that was how the first round of chemo started.

The day itself went rather well after that – seven hours in a recliner with an IV.  The staff was pretty great and would bring me snacks or water and generally left me alone.  Of course, I’m just trying to figure out how the heck I am going to manage six months of….crap.  It is overwhelming beyond measure.

I felt pretty good on Wednesday (likely from the steroids they were pumping into me on Tuesday) and then crashed on Thursday.  The fatigue was pretty bad though I remained thankful for fatigue being the major side effect.  I still tire very easily which I find to be very frustrating.

SIL will return home on Wednesday (weather gods willing) and then will come back for Round #3 of chemo the end of March.  I am going to try to power through Round #2 by myself in two weeks.  The effects are cumulative so there is a good chance of either worse fatigue or other side effects.  Yay.

Have to admit it has been nice to have company throughout this ordeal but I am, again, ready to have my space back.  So.Very.Ready.  Things have gone better than expected with SIL, she likes alone time, too and that works quite well.

I already spoke with my manager and decided to cut back my hours at work to part time.  There is simply no other way to make this work.  I cannot handle the stress of working anywhere near full time and my #1 priority now is getting healthy again.

And so we keep moving forward, mainly because there is really no other choice.   I remain thankful and grateful for the support of family and friends but I long to fade into obscure boredom again.

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The give and take of cancer

Written By: Pam - Feb• 11•16

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Another week, another recovery period.  hahaha

The surgery went well Monday morning – no collapsed lung which is always good news.  I was discharged around 9:30 AM and home by shortly after 10 AM.  And then I settled in for a day long nap.  It turns out the minor surgery and recovery was more painful than the major surgery a few weeks ago.  Was so not expecting that.

I tried to work on Tuesday, yes I sure did.  In the midst of trying to work, I called the doctor’s office to try to get the chemo start date sorted out.  Figured it was a good day for frustration and aggravation when I already felt crappy.  Chemo will now start next Tuesday morning.  My sister in law arrives Saturday around lunch time.  Again, so much to do!

But back to the topic of today’s post.  I was talking to someone today about the situation and realized how many things I have to be thankful for even though I sometimes forget.  There are a lot of times I can only think about all that cancer has taken from me…it’s also good to remember what I have learned from this mess.

Cancer has taken:

Financial security – this is probably my #1 stressor right now, mostly related to the company’s compensation plan.  Most of us are only a few paychecks away from a financial disaster.  It’s true.

Health – For someone who rarely gets sick and almost never goes to a doctor, the past few months have been a challenge.  While I feel fine physically (for now), I still feel like my general good health has been taken away.

Personal relationships – OK, so this wasn’t really taken away, maybe just changed.  Nothing like a health scare / crisis to show you who will be there for you and who won’t.  I am completely disappointed with some of my friends and that makes me sad.

Personal space  – Yup, I do like my alone time.  It was a challenge to have my brother here for 10 days but at least I knew when he was going to leave.  My sister in law did not (yet) buy a return plane ticket.  Not that she plans to stay forever, just that we have no idea how I will handle chemo and when I will feel well enough for her to return home.  For a single person who likes her space, this is almost frightening.  But it’s also the general sense of personal space.  Being poked and prodded by strangers in doctor’s offices gets old.  I’m not even sure why they bother with those stupid gowns anyway.  There’s really no point.

Independence – Yup, another biggie for me.  I hate having to depend on other people for stuff even though that’s just how it has to be.

Feeling of security – This is a catchall.  There are many days when I feel like cancer has robbed me of joy, of planning for the future, of feeling secure in what may.  Imagine waking up almost every day and hating what you will have to do.  It’s exhausting to push yourself to make the phone calls, drive to a doctor appointment, read the literature, go through a painful procedure, and just mentally deal with everything.  I miss planning a vacation or planning for the future in general.

But…but….there are lessons here, and things cancer has taught me or given me back:

Perspective – Funny how a life threatening disease will bitch slap you into prioritizing things.  A lot of minor things are no longer a big deal.

Deeper personal bonds – To qualify – this is with certain people, the ones who have become my anchors.  In a way, I am surprised by who has stepped up to the plate. I will be forever grateful to my friend Susan for taking me to the hospital and then waiting around for 5 hours until I was discharged.  And, of course, forever grateful to my family for their support.   Sometimes reaching out to people can be very rewarding.

Compassion – This is a biggie, too.  Throughout my career I have had to listen to sob stories and have had to deal with people who lost possessions or were injured.  It can make a person numb to suffering.  I feel a deeper compassion for those who are truly sick and wonder how they deal with it.  It’s very true that you never know what other people are going through and we all have struggles.  I don’t look or act sick at all, most people are rather surprised to hear all that is going on.  Imagine how many other people you see every day are going through similar pain and struggle.  Be kind.  Always.

Patience and flexibility –  I keep telling myself this is all a process and I need to take one day at a time.  Trust the process.  Be prepared for what is coming next even if it turns out to be something different.  It’s harder than it sounds.

Appreciation for the good – There are good people in this world.  There are kind and compassionate people.  Say please and thank you.  Acknowledge when people are nice.  Say something good instead of something bad.  When I have good days, they are REALLY good days because I know there will be a less good day coming.  When I have bad days, I remember there is a good day coming soon.  Look for the good things, it distracts you from the bad.

It’s all about that balance thing.  Today was a relatively good day. Tuesday was a not so good day.  Tomorrow might be stupendous.  Kind of hoping it is.

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Just checking in….

Written By: Pam - Feb• 07•16

Not sure I know where to begin.  Every day brings a new roller coaster ride.

So I’m all healed from the surgery and went back to work two weeks ago.  All good there for the most part.  It’s really hard to focus at times and work can be a struggle.  People seem to think it would be a distraction and that is sort of true.  It’s a distraction if I don’t wake up with a full blown anxiety attack.  Of course, I feel the intense need to be working so, you know, I can get paid.  So much stress from every direction.

After hearing that the chemo drugs would make my hair fall out (yes, it will, please don’t argue with me on that point) I asked my hairdresser to cut my hair short again.  It wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be.  At least for me.  It sort of was for her.  It ended up being a positive thing for me.

I also starting reading a book about nutrition for cancer patients and that helped, too.  I am also pleased that my doctor gave me a list of vitamins / supplements to take.  I’d like to believe that good nutrition will make this a little easier.  Or maybe it’s just a pipe dream.

Next up will be a minor surgical procedure on Monday to put in a port so they don’t have to jab my veins every time they want to pump me full of poison or take a blood sample.  Sort of a weird good new / bad news thing.  Amazingly enough, a friend offered to drag my sorry butt to the hospital at 5 AM on Monday.

And then the chemo starts, possibly next Friday.  Of course, even though I repeatedly said I needed advance notice of the date they gave me only a week.  My sister in law will be flying down to stay with me after the first treatment to see how things go.  Less than a weeks notice was a bit much so she might come down next Sunday and we’ll start the fun on Monday.  Notice the Monday suckage theme here?

After that, I have no idea what will happen.  At all.  I could be fine or I could be horribly sick.  You know you will get some serious poison when the doctor hands you four prescriptions for anti nausea medications – if one doesn’t work, I move on to the next.  I am hoping to recover enough to work a few hours a day.  If that doesn’t happen, I may as well just declare bankruptcy and move on.

So I’m in this weird mental place.  Some days I am mostly fine and others I am a total anxious mess.  Most days I feel overwhelmed and completely stressed.  You would think I’d be used to it by now.

I am in a very uncomfortable position – for me – in having to ask for help.  In a way, it’s been a great learning experience to actually get over the mental hurdle of ASKING and then graciously accepting what is offered.  It’s a humbling experience in some ways.

I feel overwhelmed emotionally at times by the outpouring of support and caring from friends and family.  I wonder how I can ever repay the kindness even though I know most folks are not expecting a payback.

And, of course, I am dealing with personal space / introvert issues.  The friend who is taking me to the hospital on Monday offered to come over Sunday night and keep me company so I wouldn’t “worry” alone.  Um, no.  Luckily she completely understood where I was coming from when I said any quiet, alone time I get these days is cherished.  Besides, the to do list is growing…lots to get done before the unknown happens in a week.

So there ya go, that is the latest from this crazy corner of the world.  No plan is the plan.  Only today matters.  Stay focused on the present moment.  It actually does help.

Hope all is well in your world.

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