Twisted Kismet

The sometimes crazy road from here to there

You can’t miss what you always have…

Written By: Pam - Mar• 04•19

Greetings from North Carolina!  And more specifically, the mountains of western North Carolina.

I safely landed here just shy of three weeks ago and have managed to settle in quite nicely.  For now.  The move and house sale in Orlando went smoothly and without a hitch.  I kept waiting for something to go wrong but it didn’t.  Shocking.

I am now in a temporary apartment (technically it is a condo, but to me it is an apartment).  It’s a reasonably comfortable space but it’s not “mine” and most of my stuff is in storage.  That being said, it’s in an awesome location on main street in a small town where most everything is in walking distance (except a grocery store).

I am set to close on the construction loan for the house here in a week.  I’ll breathe a little easier once that goes through and all is approved by the bank people.  The house should have been “ordered” last week or the week before.  Hard to say, I have sort of lost track of town.

So the picture up above was taken at my new happy place – the North Carolina Arboretum which is only a 30 minute drive away (but will be closer when I move).   The Blue Ridge Parkway and the Pisgah National Forest (with waterfalls!) is also just a short drive away.  I’ve been out walking/hiking at least three times since arriving – and would have gone more often except the weather has been crappy.

Which brings me to the point of the post.  I lived in PA for 37 years near woods and mountains and streams.  I can’t remember going out for walks / hikes more than a few times.  I grew up in a very small town and couldn’t wait to leave.  Spring and fall were pretty but not that big of a deal – it happened every year after all!

Then I moved to FL where it was sunny nearly all the time.  And hot.  All.The.Time.  At first it was really nice to live where it was warm in the winter but then it seemed like it was always the same. Always sunny and always warm (well, HOT).

For the past 10 or 15 years, I planned to go somewhere in the fall to see the leaves change and to get out of the heat.  I always figured I’d get over missing autumn.

Then I went to Shenandoah National Park in September 2017 and realized how much I really did miss fall – everything about it.  And I missed driving on back roads with farms.  I felt homesick after 17 years.  How could that be?

Now I live in a town that is really a small city with a compact downtown.  Life is laid back here.  The pace is slower.  There are no crowds every day, no lines every where you go.  The people are genuinely nice.  There are fewer hassles.

I came to realize that when I was in PA, seeing the mountains and woods and small towns was just a normal thing.   I didn’t appreciate it while I had it.

And then I had sunshine and heat all the time.  It became boring and expected.  I began to look forward to rain just so it wouldn’t be as hot and for a change.

When I came to Asheville last April, it was SPRING and all the flowers were blooming – daffodils, azalea, dogwood, and tulips.

I had forgotten how much I loved daffodils and tulips!  And spring, there is something magical about spring, too.

How can you be sad looking at blue skies and spring flowers?

The move here has been good for me in a number of ways.  Change is good, of course, but it also made me realize how much I have taken for granted over the years.  Sunshine is once again something to be celebrated.  Spring is beautiful and something to look forward to.  And crappy weather in winter gives a new appreciation for summer warmth.

Looking forward to many adventures here.

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That Voice of Doubt

Written By: Pam - Jan• 28•19

So, it’s been a long while since I dropped by here.  A very long while.  Not exactly sure why that is, maybe I just lacked inspiration.

It was a busy, but mostly good year.  Said hello to a grand nephew but had to say goodbye to my beloved dog, Chance.

And I struggled with anxiety issues for most of the year.  Some days it just seemed so hard to get out of bed and function until I reminded myself that if I could make it through cancer, then I could make it through the day.  Didn’t always work but it was an important reminder.

As I continued to clean out closets (more on that later), I came upon old journals from high school and college years.  I wrote sporadically during those years but the thing that jumped out at me was how I complained about anxiety issues then, too.  Huh.  I don’t really recall feeling that way, mostly I recall being unhappy and feeling like I didn’t fit in.  Anywhere.

I read a book recently where the author refers to anxiety as the “disease of doubt”.  What a great description!  I feel like I have spent most of my life doubting nearly everything – how I look, relationships, decisions, and whether whatever I am doing is “right”.

Is there a cure for doubt?

But anyway….

I’m sure I mentioned it here somewhere, my desire to move “someplace else”.  This has been a thought or plan since at least 2015.  Before I could make it happen, there were repairs that needed to be done on the house….and then cancer.  I honestly did not know if I would ever recover enough from the Year of Cancer to make a move happen.

It is happening!

After a lot of thought, I decided there would be no better time than now.  Of course, finding what I believe to be the perfect location also helped.

The house has been sold, the movers will be here in two weeks, and I will then move to Asheville to start the next chapter as a Mountain Girl.

That inner Voice of Doubt had a field day with this decision.  What if it turns out to be a terrible thing? What if I hate it there?  What if?  What if?  What if?

When I moved to Florida it was like a no brainer decision.  I just wanted to get out of Pennsylvania, I didn’t so much where I landed as long as it was warmer.  I remember telling myself that if I hated in Orlando, I could always leave after 3 years (it was a job relocation thing…I had to stay at least 3 years as part of the deal).  I stayed almost 18 years.

So there have been a lot of changes happening, not necessarily a bad thing.

Oh, and about that cleaning out of closets thing.  I thought I had done a lot of purging of junk over the past couple of years.  Having a dumpster in the driveway twice was a huge help.  How do we collect so much stuff?  There is only one of me and yet it seems like there is crap everywhere!

I donated a good bit of stuff and will donate more this week when Salvation Army shows up for a collection.

I also gave away the piano which was very bittersweet.  I have had that piano for over 40 years and took lessons on it for about 8 years when I was growing up.  But it had become just a piece of furniture that took up room in the house.  I managed to find a local charity that collects pianos to give to disadvantaged music students.  It made my heart less sad to know it will go to someone who will cherish it.

So there you go, a very brief summary of how things have been here.  Hope you are doing well, please say hello or something.

Sometimes you need to think only about the step right in front of you.  All you can do is trust your own footing and keep going even when you feel lost and afraid.  ~~ Tova Mirvis

 

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A journal for your thoughts….

Written By: Pam - Mar• 07•18

So, once again I have been derelict in my blogging duties.  Apologies.

It’s been busy but not in a bad way. I guess.  Taking a break from projects last fall turned out to be a really good decision.  It was nice to be a little lazy for a while to just relax and regroup.

A few years ago, I decided moving might be a good thing.  The plan was to downsize and hopefully reduce the amount of maintenance needed on a living space.  And then cancer happened which delayed the entire plan.  I thought for a while that the plan would no longer be viable so I suppose only being delayed is not so bad.

The original thought was to move to a beachy type of place but then Hurricane Irma came through and….not so much for the beach anymore.  The fall trip to Virginia reminded me – again – how much I miss fall.  And how much I miss living in a smaller, less traffic congested place.

After a good bit of thought, I have settled on Asheville as being the number one contender as a place to move to.  Well, as long as I decide I like it after a visit in April.  That is step one.  Many more steps after that but at least it’s a start.

Part of the reason for the downsizing is to reduce expenses in the hopes of finally finding some other occupation.  And that’s where the title comes from.

I have written in journals on and off over the years, mostly when I feel unsettled or upset about life.  It’s not usually clear if the writing part helps at all but the reading part later usually does.  Every now and again, I find old journals and read the entries.  What I notice are patterns.  Sort of like a dream journal only it’s more of an angst journal.  It’s how I figure out what is gnawing at my soul.

A few years ago, it was financial issues.  I knew the disaster of my financial situation was causing anxiety but did not realize how bad it was until I read through months of journal entries.  It was the catalyst for making changes to finally resolve some of those issues.

And then there were the “man issues” that took up mental energy.  Those issues resolved, too, though in a different way. Ha ha ha

The latest theme – or ongoing theme that is now the most evident – is job dissatisfaction.  I’m tired of complaining about it and tired of being depressed every day when dragging my sorry butt to work.

A few years ago, around the same time as the moving plan was taking shape, I read a book titled Making a Living Without a Job.  It’s quite inspiring although I’m not sure how practical it is.  Anyway, last night, I came to the part where you check off these attributes that you would love to have in a dream job.

My first thought was how what I do now is pretty much the exact opposite of what I checked off on the list.  The thought of having spent the past four or five years doing the same exact thing since I first went through that list made me want to cry.

While I am grateful to be basically back to where I was before cancer, I am depressed at being back to where I was….which is still in a place that is unhappy and less than ideal.

The voices in my head are arguing – the It’s too Risky! voice.  The It’s too Hard! voice.  The What’s the Point? voice. And the DO IT! voice.  It’s noisy above the shoulders these days.

Not exactly sure where this will all go but I absolutely feel like a change is needed. Life is too dang short.

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Where does the time go?

Written By: Pam - Dec• 10•17

How can it already be the middle of December?  It seems like it was just spring a minute ago.  Another roller coaster year is almost in the books.  Wow.

Last I was here, I was struggling with anxiety issues.  Happy to report that has eased a bit and not a moment too soon.  I finally figured out (or accepted) that most of the anxiety was related to work issues.  Not really new for me but it was worse than usual because of my tendency to procrastinate.

Anyway…..

Relative to the work related stress issue is the being stuck issue.  I’ve been stuck for years.  Cancer just interrupted it and pushed it to the side.

One of my unsaid goals after cancer was to get unstuck.  To finally move on and find inspiration somewhere else.  To do something I actually enjoyed doing every day.  That whole life is too short thing. So perhaps the anxiety problem is enhanced because I feel like I have failed to get unstuck.  In a lot of ways, I am in deeper than ever before.

It’s been an expensive year – in mostly good ways – after a year of lower than usual earnings with higher than anticipated expenses.   So two expensive (well, three sort of) in a row does not help the bank account.  This year’s workload increased which means my paycheck increased.  A normally good thing, considering the expensive past couple of years, but now I am used to a bigger paycheck.

It’s an odd complaint of sorts.  I like the extra pay, but it sure makes it harder to walk away.  Or makes a person think more than once about walking away without a really good Plan B.

I mentioned before that I was considering writing a book.  It’s actually on my bucket list.  I kept a journal last year with the intent of turning it into a book.  Actually, I have done some journaling on and off for years – pre and post cancer.

At one point last year, I actually transcribed the journal into a document and then life got busy.

I have been thinking about that possible book for months, trying to figure out the theme or what I want it to be about.  Perhaps this may be a sort of Plan B.

So today I finally dug out all those pages I typed up and printed out months ago to read and figure things out.

I will admit that I cried.  Oh yes I did.  I’m not sure why, the emotion of reading about all the crap that happened last year just became overwhelming.  And then I thought….maybe I DO have something to say that others would read.   The meat of the book is there, just need some potatoes and side dishes.

I think I have my next project and perhaps a way to channel all those “stuck” feelings.  Will keep you posted.

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Lift shifting…

Written By: Pam - Nov• 12•17

We have all had things happen that changed our lives for better or worse.  Birth of a child, death of a loved one, landing that perfect job, moving to a new home, etc.  Maybe you didn’t actually FEEL like your life was shifting, but it was.

I have felt it several times starting with my parents getting divorced in the late 1980’s, then later after moving to Florida, losing a job I thought I would have forever, and most recently after being diagnosed with cancer.  For each of these events, I felt like my life had changed in a significant way.

It took a few weeks after the cancer diagnosis for the shift to be felt.  And I still remember it like it was yesterday.

It was after surgery and after the devastating news that the cancer had spread meaning I would need to undergo chemotherapy and radiation.

I dropped the dog off at daycare on a sunny Saturday morning so I could do some work before starting treatment.  Work.  On a Saturday morning.  When the sun was shining and the sky was so blue it made your eyes hurt.

I was driving home and it was like a lightning bolt hit me – what if THIS was the thing.  What if THIS, cancer, would be the thing that rendered me unable to do all those things I had been planning to do? What if THIS would be the end of life as I knew it?  And there will be that thing for all of us.  An illness or accident or just plain old age.

And what was I doing?  Working on a Saturday morning at a job I don’t even like all that much.  A job I have never liked, one I had always planned on be “temporary”.  It’s been almost 30 years,so much for temporary.

It made me sad (and a bit angry) to realize I spent my entire life doing something I hated in the hopes that I would eventually find something else that I enjoyed.  All those yesterdays and all those dreams and plans meant nothing.  My life had already been defined, every single day.

“A life has to move, or it stagnates.  It is no good telling yourself that one day you will wish you had never made that change; it is no good anticipating regrets.  Every tomorrow ought not to resemble every yesterday.” Beryl Markham in West with the Night

So perhaps this life shift I felt BEFORE treatment is why AFTER treatment I pushed myself so hard and why I am struggling to keep doing the job I hate.  Because I know that one thing is out there.  It is real and it could come back at any moment.

After you finish cancer treatment, no one helps you get back to your life.  You finish, ring the bell, and you are off.  You’re told to not think about cancer and go about your life.  Other people tell you how grateful you should feel to have survived intact.  And I do feel incredibly fortunate and grateful.  But also unsettled.

No one tells you that life will feel the same but different.  There is no going back to exactly how it was before.  My perspective shifted that day, too.  It’s just hard to explain.

But there is a sort of upside.  After I felt that shift, I thought back to all the things I have accomplished over the years.  I was so very glad I wrote down a bucket list all those years ago and the shorter bucket list the year I turned 50.  I was also glad I had tried – and failed – some things.  Failure is not an easy thing to accept but it sure beats never trying.  Living life in a “safe zone” is boring.

So when you feel a life shift, pay attention.  What is it trying to tell you?

“I don’t regret anything I’ve ever done in my life, any choice that I’ve made.  But I’m consumed with regret for the things I didn’t do, the choices I didn’t make, the things I didn’t say.  We spend so much time being afraid of failure, afraid of rejection.  But regret is the thing we should fear the most.  Failure is an answer.  Rejection is an answer.  Regret is an eternal question you will never have the answer to. “What if”…”If only”…”I wonder what would have”…   You will never, never know, and it will haunt you for the rest of your days.”  Trevor Noah in Born a Crime

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Make a difference, big or small

Written By: Pam - Nov• 06•17

https://www.flickr.com/photos/131662339@N07/37539246272/in/datetaken-public/

So we’ll take a break from the depressing posts about anxiety issues and chat about something different, though related.

After the first two “clean” CT scans, I realized I had been given an amazing gift – a second chance at life of sorts.  While this is thrilling and positive, it comes with a bit of pressure.  At least for me.  What can I do to make a difference in life?

I don’t make much of a difference at work, except in a mostly negative way.  I’m the claims person a lot of people hate.   Sigh….

I don’t have kids so can’t make a difference there.  My dog.  Yes, Chance’s life is pretty special but it’s unclear if he actually appreciates that lol.

The plan was to volunteer somewhere to make a difference, just haven’t found the right cause yet.  Or one that I can fit into my schedule.  Still working on that.

And then I realized that sometimes it is just little things that can make a difference.

The picture above was taken in Shenandoah National Park and was not really planned.  There is a story here.

The trip to the park was odd in a way.  I planned it mainly to see a friend of mine who lives near Washington DC.  We hadn’t spent time together for about 5 years and then the stars aligned for this trip.  Or we forced the stars to align.  I tacked the days in the park on to the back end of the trip to work in a fall trip to a cooler place.

There were some personal issues to work through and I was also beyond stressed with work overload after two hurricanes.  The trip was almost cancelled or pushed back but I powered my way through it.  Not exactly the way to go on a vacation.

Then I started to feel a little unwell – a urinary tract infection (PSA for the day….skip drinking cranberry juice to help with a UTI and take the cranberry supplement.  The supplement works wonders without all the sugar!) added on top of the usual digestive issues that remain after radiation.  I’m the person planning a trip around bathrooms.

Anyway, I decided I had to catch a sunset, it just seemed like the thing to do.  So I got back in the car and forced my tired self to drive back to an overlook facing west.

There were some other folks there, maybe ten or so.  We were all sort of standing around by our cars waiting for the sun to set.  Then this car pulled up with two young ladies in it.  English was not their native language, not sure where they were from.

They came up to me and started to chat.  I swear traveling alone opens you to conversations with people you would not otherwise have.  We snapped pics of the sunset and they showed me how to change the settings on my phone to change the exposure for photos.

Then one went back to the car and she got out this sunflower.  I didn’t really see what she was doing until her friend showed me the pictures.  She held it up so I could get a pic, too.  It turned out to be my favorite pic of the entire trip.

Not planned.  Total strangers never to be seen again. Totally made my day brighter.

A couple of weeks ago, I took a Friday afternoon off and went to some local gardens followed by a quick trip to the mall.  Penney’s was having a sale and I am tired of my clothes.

There were these chaotic bins of women’s tops that were on sale but people had been rummaging through the display so everything was mixed up.  Another lady was there looking through the piles and was muttering to herself that she was looking for a certain style in a certain size but couldn’t find it.  I told her it was like shopping at a flea market.

I moved to a different table with more chaotic stacks and found what she was looking for.  I called her over and BAM! I was right.  She was thrilled!  She thanked me several times and by the smile on her face, I knew her day was made better.

I could have gone about my business without telling her or not even paid attention to what was in the mess of a display.  But her day and my day were both brighter by something so simple and so seemingly insignificant.

Perhaps that is how I can serve a better purpose.  Just by doing small, random acts of kindness.

Huh.  Something to think about.

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Progress is being made

Written By: Pam - Oct• 29•17

https://www.flickr.com/photos/131662339@N07/24122522368/in/datetaken-public/

So, trying something new with adding images.  Not perfect but a compromise.  Pretty orchid, no?

After writing the “woe is me” post last week I figured it was time to save myself.  Sometimes the smallest changes make the biggest difference.  I started listening to relaxation / meditation music before falling asleep.  I took some time to sit outside and just chill out for a few minutes just about every day.  I played hooky from work Friday afternoon…which is where the orchid pic came from.

But two other things also helped.  I finally forced myself to do a “project” of sorts at work that had been festering for months.  It was there, no one else was going to do it, and I dreaded it.  I woke up Tuesday morning and decided that would be the day to get it done.

My manager and I had a conversation about the procrastination project and anxiety in general.  She has been seeing a counselor for her issues which, unsurprisingly, are similar to mine.  So she got it.  And that helps.

Which brings me to a point here.  We spend far too much time feeling anxious about getting “everything” done.  Whatever everything means to you.  There is this feeling like if we aren’t constantly busy doing SOMETHING then we are somehow failing.  Or we aren’t enough.

Well….after thinking about that, I decided to put a stop to the seemingly unending project list.  While the major stuff has been done to the house, there are still 3 or 4 things that need to be done before I can sell and move (yes, that is a serious – very serious – consideration).  Not until spring, though.  It’s time to relax a bit and catch up financially – I already feel less frantic.

I also realized that it makes a huge difference to do something because you WANT to – because it makes your heart happy – than because you feel obligated or required.  For the first time ever, I dropped out of the singing group after paying the fee.  My heart wasn’t in it for a lot of reasons….I didn’t care for the music or the director.  The thought of dragging myself there every Thursday night just made me tired.

And life goes on.  Sometimes “no” is the right answer.

 

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By way of update…..

Written By: Pam - Oct• 22•17

OMG, it’s been SIX MONTHS since I have been here!  That’s just not right.  And the site is giving me all sorts of trouble when I try to upload a pic.  sigh…..

So, it’s been interesting, not exactly sure where to begin.

Trip to Europe (Rhine River cruise) was a success.  River cruising is different from ocean cruising, highly recommend!  Kitchen remodel completed.  Well, mostly.  Second vacation to Shenandoah National Park for fall also completed.  It’s been a busy and expensive year.

Since I can’t upload pics for some reason, you can visit my flickr page for photos:

https://www.flickr.com/photos/131662339@N07/albums

Physically, I am doing rather well.  Mentally, well, not exactly sure about that.  You know, I really think some sort of counseling or mental health follow-up should be part of any cancer or other life threatening illness treatment.  Seriously.

I looked back through my journal ramblings over the past few months and realized there was a theme and that was how much I was complaining about anxiety almost every day.  It’s just not healthy.

Here’s the thing.  When a person complains about anxiety or depression (for valid reasons), I think most folks don’t know what to say.  And I include myself in that comment.  There are any number of self-help like people who say stupid stuff like “you can think yourself happy”.  Not exactly.

So let’s back up a bit for how things have played out over the past year – since I have been officially out of active treatment.

I had this mindset that I had to get “things” done in 2017….in EVERYTHING….because who knows if the cancer will come back.  My oncologist left the practice in January which sort of left me hanging.  At my last follow-up visit with her, I asked about chances of recurrence and she didn’t really want to commit to numbers or percentages.  Swell.

After she left, I was shuffled off to nurse practitioner that I didn’t particularly care for.  She didn’t seem all that interested in my recurrence terror and also didn’t want to schedule another CT scan.  I fought and argued with her twice and was unhappy enough to seriously consider leaving the practice.

Then I saw the radiology oncologist in early July and we had a chat.  He started counting my “cancer free” time from the date of surgery (January 2016).  After surgery, there was about a 3% (yes, THREE) of recurrence and that was halved after chemo and radiation.  Each passing day, week, and month without a recurrence means the chances are even lower.  Well, then.

Some time around August and into September (after Hurricane Irma), I noticed the anxiety becoming worse.  I felt like crying almost every day.  There were times work was a serious struggle.  I started to beat myself up because I SHOULD BE HAPPY.  Not sure there is a worse thing to say to someone struggling with stress and depression.  What is WRONG with you…why aren’t you happy?

Anyway, there is a point to all this.

I saw my new oncologist last week and finally screwed up the courage to tell her that the issue I am left with is anxiety.  She said I have to use the tools I have to manage anxiety – like read a book or watch you tube videos.  Yes, she really said that.

So I decided to read and figure it out.  I read two books Beyond Blue which is about this woman’s struggle with bipolar disorder and Your Survival Instinct is Killing You.  The second book really, really resonated with me.

The premise of the book is that sometimes our “fight or flight” reaction gets out of whack (ok, that was the really simplified version).  When I looked back on all the stuff that has gone on for the past year or two, I realized I have been in almost a perpetual state of stress for a variety of reasons.  Things are making a little more sense now.

All this leads to my point.  We need to take time to heal ourselves mentally after a crisis.  I think it is overlooked and brushed over.  From the outside, most people probably thought I was perfectly fine – doing really well after cancer treatment.  But really I was slowly crashing and burning.

The next few months I plan to take care of myself better – I have a little game plan.  Relaxation music, restorative yoga (video), some outings, some creative projects, and other little things.

I’ll let you know how it goes.

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You should…..

Written By: Pam - Apr• 26•17

I have been terrible about blogging lately, not exactly sure why except that things have been a bit hectic. I tried to find the “right” image to use to sum up the rant that is inside my head.  This one has the right amount of snark.

So, since you last heard from me, my sister in law came for a visit the last weekend in March.  I took some days off work (it was bliss!).  We did some fun touristy stuff around town and she worked on the garden.  The same garden she planted almost the exact same time last year.  We even made it to the beach where we promptly got sunburned because we thought it was going to be cloudy.  Buncha stupid tourists!

Wish you could actually see that little sign under the pelican’s butt.  It said something like “Please do not sit or stand on the railing”.  This guy was hanging out waiting for the fishermen to catch fish…which he would then try to steal.  It was pretty entertaining.

One of the other things SIL wanted to do was visit a kitchen showroom to go about getting ideas for the kitchen remodel.  I hadn’t heard back from the first contractor and decided to hold off on that fun project until after vacation in May.  But she wanted to go and she is sort of my defacto kitchen designer helper. So we went to a different showroom for a different contractor.

Well.  Let me tell you.  It got a little crazy.  LOL  The real designer came out to measure the space.  I met with her again for an estimate (she came in $5 under my max budget).  I visited the “slab store” to pick out granite.  And we have a tentative date to start the second week in June.  Oy vey.

In the midst of all this, I have been going to the Y twice a week for the LiveStrong exercise program for cancer survivors and somehow have been managing to increase the billable hours at work.  It’s been busy.

So what’s the rant, you ask?  I still feel like I am not doing “enough”.  The “you should” pronouncements are getting under my skin.

I can’t decide if my feelings are logical or not.  Or maybe my brain is just making irrational excuses to not do all the things I am “supposed” to be doing.  The things I just do NOT want to do.

At the last oncologist appointment the end of January, the nurse practitioner got on my case for not going to a primary care doctor to follow up on some stuff.  One thing is a little nubbin they saw on my thyroid (it is stable and not cancer) and the other is to get a colonoscopy.  And yes, I know what a colonoscopy entails.  And yes, I know I “should” have one.  Just like I “should” have a follow up mammogram (first one was negative).

I am working through why this is all bothering me so much.   I have always hated going to doctors, as in anxiety attack hate.  So going to doctors all of last year was enough to last me for a long time.  I laugh – out loud – when women complain about going to a gynecologist once a year to endure an internal exam.  I think I have had about 15 of those over the past 18 months or so.

I dread finding out if anything else is “wrong” with me and you know doctors are really good at finding things to “treat”.  I figure I will also hear the “you should eat…..” speech a few more times.  I’m sure there will be more tests such as blood tests.  All this requires time and I am juggling a bunch of stuff right now.

And that brings me to the “you should” statements in general.  Who decided all this stuff we “should” be doing?  What if I say “no”?  Like, the 679 things “all women should do before they turn 40”.  Says who?

Why do I always feel like I am never doing enough?  Not working hard enough? Not going fast enough? Not doing enough?

Needless to say, it is highly unlikely that I will see a primary care doctor by Monday – especially considering I don’t have one yet.  I mean, I have a phone number for one, I just haven’t called to make an appointment.  It makes me tired thinking about rearranging work (again) to go to the appointment. Whiny?  I know.  Irrational?  Yes, quite likely.

But when is the last time someone said “you should take the day off” or “you should just go take a nap” or “you should do something fun instead of clean the house” or “you should eat the cupcake” or “you’re doing great, you should keep doing what you’re doing”.

This whole adulting thing is so much harder than we ever thought it would be and it’s getting in the way of accomplishing my bucket list.

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That whole Universe thing…

Written By: Pam - Mar• 19•17

I can’t seem to find a quote that fits so you are stuck with a flower pic from today’s stroll through the gardens.  Yes, I was sorta practicing with my camera – which I hadn’t used for at least a year – for the upcoming vacation.

Anyway, where was I?  Oh yeah, the Universe.  There is some quote somewhere about the Universe providing what you ask for, or something like that.  I’ve heard it but only sort of believed it.  And then….

If you have been around here for any length of time, you might remember my many rants about losing my hair after chemo last year.  It’s still a hot button issue for me.  It just is.

When my hair started to grow back, it was mostly gray.  I knew it was going to be gray but I had been coloring it for so long that I had no idea how MUCH of it was gray.  And then it turned curly.  Thick, gray, and curly like a big ole Brillo pad on top of my head.  I was not real happy about that.  At all.

So my hairdresser tried blond highlights while I mulled things over.  She said I would know when we hit on the right cut and color when people would give compliments.  That may be the case in a normal situation, but when you go from bald to having hair people hand out compliments like candy just to make a person “feel better”.  It’s very hard to tell when the compliment is sincere.

The last color job when full platinum blond with some leftover gray highlights.  I decided to embrace the curly part and mostly decided I liked the color.  I was in the grocery store about a week later looking at hair “goop”, trying to figure out if it was the one that was on clearance, when this lady came up behind me and said “you don’t need to use that, your hair is beautiful”.

She was a random stranger, I had never seen her before.  She had no idea I was in the midst of regrowing hair from scratch.  So I thanked her and told her I was looking at goop to use because my hair “grew back curly” and she looked really surprised and said “oh, you had cancer!”.  Yes indeed.

Never doubt the impact of a sincere compliment.  It made my day.

Work had been so very busy since November, sometimes overwhelmingly so, and then it was like everything came to a halt about 2 weeks ago.  Normally, it wouldn’t be that big of a deal but my paycheck is directly linked to the amount of work I produce. So…little work = little pay.

At first I was stressed about this but I decided to just ride it out and enjoy the slower pace.  And then last Thursday and Friday happened.  A person quit (or was fired, hard to know) so some work was transferred and a boatload of new claims came in.  I was about giddy lol.

And then it came to me…the Universe responded to my mental plea for work (read that as “income”) much as the Universe responded to my quiet angst about the hair situation.

Perhaps there is something to this whole Universe thing after all.  We just need to learn how to listen.

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