I really needed to read those words as a reminder to be kinder to myself.

I had been doing rather well, mentally, for a couple of months.  And then Thursday happened.  It all started with such a trivial thing but it turned into a dark day.

Many folks have this perception that cancer is somehow “over” if and when treatment stops.  That is rarely true.  Even if I can stop active treatment after the next three rounds of chemo, I will still be required to undergo CT or other scans on a regular basis to watch for a recurrence.  I have to be “clean” for five years before being declared “cured” which is really not true – cancer has no “cure”.   My personal experience with cancer is that you die from it.  Yeah, not such a good thing.

On top of that, there are physical issues from the treatment.  Some of these physical problems eventually go away, others not so much.  Chemo and radiation can both damage the kidneys and the liver.  Some people have ongoing bowel issues for years after they stop treating.  Others have lingering issues with fatigue.  I’m not being dramatic, just realistic.

Telling me to “stay positive” doesn’t really take away the reality of the situation.

So back to Thursday, well, actually Wednesday night.  I’ve written this part of the post a hundred times in my head….hope it comes out right because this is something I never thought I’d be writing about on this blog.

Where to begin….  First of all, our society is so wigged out about anything sexual, making this even harder.  Second of all, I think it is somewhat assumed that when a woman reaches a “certain age” that she is no longer sexually active.  Not the case for everyone, just letting you know.  😀

I have a casual “friend” who I have known for 7 or 8 years and I see him on occasion, mostly when the stars align.  This isn’t really about our relationship or him as a person.  It is about a situation.  He obviously knows about what I have been going through, I have seen him a few times since starting treatment.  He has been compassionate and supportive and has not (yet) run for the hills.  There are no strings, so there is really nothing keeping him from leaving.

Ever since this all started, I got the sense that he was waiting things out…that when the treatment is over then things will go back to how they were.  I struggled between believing that (even though I knew it was unlikely) and laying it all out.  I felt like I was hiding the truth from him which was entirely unfair.

So the trigger was an email from him Wednesday night and for whatever reason, it was the catalyst for the both the darkness and the sharing of the truth.  I laid out the reality – that there are physical issues from the treatment (and surgery) that will make “regular people” sexual relations difficult for me.  While there are some women who would not be bothered by this, it is killing me.  I feel like damaged goods, like so much is broken it will never be fixed.

I feel like I am mourning the woman I once was, the one I will never be again.   It broke my heart, and then I cried.

In some ways, I feel like a burden has been lifted from my shoulders.  It is now up to him to choose what he wants to do.  He can stick around and see how this all turns out or he can walk away.  I am prepared for either to happen.

So no, cancer is not only about the physical side effects from treatment.  It is about so much more.  For me, the physical part has been relatively minimal (comparatively speaking) but the mental part has been darn near devastating.

But every day, I get out of bed, plant a smile on my face and go about my business so please don’t tell me I am not fighting hard enough.