I did a good deed yesterday, one that should have brought out warm and fuzzy feelings.  Should have.

The MIL was in Florida for the winter months, same as she has done for as long as I can remember.  She and her husband wintered in Florida for decades prior to his passing away.  MIL continued to make the trip to spend some time in the winter warmth while catching up with long time friends from Michigan.  For the past couple of years, there was discussion about whether or not she would be able to make the trip for various reasons.  She just turned 83 in December and it was getting to be a bit much for her to make the trip on her own.

Well, apparently the friends from Michigan decided to only stay a few weeks because of an illness.  According to SIL, right after the friend left, MIL went into a mental tailspin.  SIL thought MIL was having a panic attack.  Brother thought dementia was starting to settle in, same as he has thought for years.  At one point, SIL was going to travel here to see what was going on but MIL decided to sell the trailer and flee the state.

So I offered to meet MIL at the airport Saturday afternoon to make sure she was able to get her back checked in and get herself through security.  She was flying out of the smaller Orlando airport which made things easier but airports can be confusing.  And there was unexpected confusion when MIL arrived earlier than expected, did not sit her ass in a chair to wait for me, and was directly to a different terminal to check in.  The new terminal thing threw me for a loop – in the 10 years I have flying out of that airport, this is the first time there was even a check in desk in that terminal.

ANYWAY, all that got straightened out and I found MIL.  She was anxious, frazzled, and wound a little tight but she was glad to see me.  About 2 minutes after we sat down she said “have you ever had an anxiety attack”?

I said “Why yes, yes I have….just about every day for over a year”.  She seemed a little relieved to hear that someone else understood how terrifying it can be.  She was at her wit’s end after two weeks of feeling scared to death.  She just wanted to go home.

We chatted a bit and I told her that when I felt particularly stressed and anxious that I would go for a walk.  If things are really bad, I take an Ativan to help me sleep.  I figured she was not up to hearing the rest of my tricks that sound self-help-book-like.   Not many closed minded 83 year olds would understand a discussion about changing internal dialog or taking deep, cleaning breaths.  She did seem to understand that a trip to see her doctor may be in order.  SIL was relieved to hear this.

On the way home I got to thinking (of course!) about fears – real or imagined.  I think SIL correctly guessed the source of MIL’s anxiety – she was by herself in Florida for the first time and it terrified her.  Once the fear started, there was no going back.

I have been really struggling at work with stress and anxiety…worse than usual.  I’m not exactly sure why or what started it but it is close to debilitating.  It’s hard to function and concentrate. I’m beginning to realize some of it is fear of failure or fear of not being “perfect”.  I set the bar pretty high for how I perform my job and then beat myself up for perceived failure.

This is after more than a year of dealing with so many deeply personal fears – fear of being alone and sick, fear of surgery, fear of chemo, and fear of financial disaster.

Today I’ve been thinking about how we don’t talk about our fears.  We are afraid to share because we don’t want to seem weak or stupid or silly or crazy.  We bury as much as we can so no one else will know. And then these real or imagined fears control us.  The fear and anxiety control what we do or don’t do.

Even when we share our fears, they are usually brushed off.  Cancer?  Oh, you can handle that…no sweat!

Maybe it’s just scary to hear other people vocalizing what we are burying in our soul.  I suspect there are many people involved in bad or unfulfilling relationships to avoid being “alone”.  We have all been there, right?  But to actually say that out loud?  Not many people will do that.

So the next time someone says “I am terrified….of whatever” please stop and think before you say…don’t be silly!  Honor the fact that someone trust you enough to share something like this with you.  Take a moment to listen to what they have to say, and remember that you have fears, too.