So the CT scan results came in last week and it was all good news!   No signs of cancer in my pelvic area!  There was one teeny tiny nodule in my right lung which may be totally benign.  Since there was no prior scan for comparison, they are going to do another can in a couple of months to see if there are any changes to the teeny tiny nodule.  If not, then I go into monitoring mode.  All good.

I found this out last Monday and it was hard to concentrate the rest of the week.  So much to do!  I shipped an afghan to my sister in law as a thank you gift and gave another one to the friend who provided transportation when we went out to dinner Wednesday night.  Then there was the ongoing “to do” list that has been mostly ignored for many months.  It was hard to decide where to start.

On top of that, I was still mentally processing all that happened over the past 10 months.   Shortly after being diagnosed the thought popped in my head “what if this is it?” meaning…what if I would be unable to do more of the things I always wanted to do?  What if I wasted my life?  It was like being slapped upside the head.

It’s not really a secret that I have never really liked my career.  In fact, there have been many times that I have hated it and yet, I kept at because the money was reasonably good and I was GOOD at it.  I tried to do other things but failed.  And then in what seems like the blink of an eye….28 years went by.  So I have spent most of my adult life getting up every day to do something that does not make my soul happy.  It’s a sobering thought.

I thought I had done a reasonably good job at planning to do the things I always wanted to do.  You know, the proverbial crossing things off the bucket list.  In some ways, I have done quite well and in others, not so much.  It seems like I have been PLANNING to do certain things for a long time but shit just gets in the way.  Life gets in the way.  It makes me wonder if I have had a “good” life or not.  There really is no answer for that question; it’s all subjective.

It’s a good thing to have a three day weekend to get my head back in order.  A very good thing.  I have been puttering around the house doing little things that didn’t seem to get done before.  All those little things that got pushed off because I was tired, or had no money, or I just didn’t feel like it.

And that got me to thinking about how important DESIRE is in our everyday lives.  It’s far more important than I realized and I didn’t appreciate it until it was gone.  No desire = apathy.  And let me tell you apathy is no fun at all.

I was ravenously hungry for pizza Friday night.  That might not sound all that exciting but it was for me. I haven’t had a real appetite since, I dunno, last December?  And by appetite I mean feeling hungry and the desire for specific food.  Throughout treatment, I rarely felt hungry and ever more rarely felt desire for specific food (aside from sweets 😀 ).

Aside from appetite, there is also the desire to work, to go for a walk, to do pleasurable things, and just take care of things in life.  When there is no desire  or WANT, then these things all turn into chores.  It is exactly no fun at all to have to push yourself mentally to just function in life.  It’s not easily explained, but I can tell you that feeling the desire to take the dog for a walk or to repot a plant without feeling overwhelmed is nothing short of amazing.  In a lot of ways, I almost feel reborn.

The takeaway is this…do not ever take your desire to do something for granted and quit waiting for the perfect moment to do the things you want to do.

It’s time to reorganize the bucket list.  😀