OMG, it’s been SIX MONTHS since I have been here!  That’s just not right.  And the site is giving me all sorts of trouble when I try to upload a pic.  sigh…..

So, it’s been interesting, not exactly sure where to begin.

Trip to Europe (Rhine River cruise) was a success.  River cruising is different from ocean cruising, highly recommend!  Kitchen remodel completed.  Well, mostly.  Second vacation to Shenandoah National Park for fall also completed.  It’s been a busy and expensive year.

Since I can’t upload pics for some reason, you can visit my flickr page for photos:

https://www.flickr.com/photos/131662339@N07/albums

Physically, I am doing rather well.  Mentally, well, not exactly sure about that.  You know, I really think some sort of counseling or mental health follow-up should be part of any cancer or other life threatening illness treatment.  Seriously.

I looked back through my journal ramblings over the past few months and realized there was a theme and that was how much I was complaining about anxiety almost every day.  It’s just not healthy.

Here’s the thing.  When a person complains about anxiety or depression (for valid reasons), I think most folks don’t know what to say.  And I include myself in that comment.  There are any number of self-help like people who say stupid stuff like “you can think yourself happy”.  Not exactly.

So let’s back up a bit for how things have played out over the past year – since I have been officially out of active treatment.

I had this mindset that I had to get “things” done in 2017….in EVERYTHING….because who knows if the cancer will come back.  My oncologist left the practice in January which sort of left me hanging.  At my last follow-up visit with her, I asked about chances of recurrence and she didn’t really want to commit to numbers or percentages.  Swell.

After she left, I was shuffled off to nurse practitioner that I didn’t particularly care for.  She didn’t seem all that interested in my recurrence terror and also didn’t want to schedule another CT scan.  I fought and argued with her twice and was unhappy enough to seriously consider leaving the practice.

Then I saw the radiology oncologist in early July and we had a chat.  He started counting my “cancer free” time from the date of surgery (January 2016).  After surgery, there was about a 3% (yes, THREE) of recurrence and that was halved after chemo and radiation.  Each passing day, week, and month without a recurrence means the chances are even lower.  Well, then.

Some time around August and into September (after Hurricane Irma), I noticed the anxiety becoming worse.  I felt like crying almost every day.  There were times work was a serious struggle.  I started to beat myself up because I SHOULD BE HAPPY.  Not sure there is a worse thing to say to someone struggling with stress and depression.  What is WRONG with you…why aren’t you happy?

Anyway, there is a point to all this.

I saw my new oncologist last week and finally screwed up the courage to tell her that the issue I am left with is anxiety.  She said I have to use the tools I have to manage anxiety – like read a book or watch you tube videos.  Yes, she really said that.

So I decided to read and figure it out.  I read two books Beyond Blue which is about this woman’s struggle with bipolar disorder and Your Survival Instinct is Killing You.  The second book really, really resonated with me.

The premise of the book is that sometimes our “fight or flight” reaction gets out of whack (ok, that was the really simplified version).  When I looked back on all the stuff that has gone on for the past year or two, I realized I have been in almost a perpetual state of stress for a variety of reasons.  Things are making a little more sense now.

All this leads to my point.  We need to take time to heal ourselves mentally after a crisis.  I think it is overlooked and brushed over.  From the outside, most people probably thought I was perfectly fine – doing really well after cancer treatment.  But really I was slowly crashing and burning.

The next few months I plan to take care of myself better – I have a little game plan.  Relaxation music, restorative yoga (video), some outings, some creative projects, and other little things.

I’ll let you know how it goes.