I have been terrible about blogging lately, not exactly sure why except that things have been a bit hectic. I tried to find the “right” image to use to sum up the rant that is inside my head.  This one has the right amount of snark.

So, since you last heard from me, my sister in law came for a visit the last weekend in March.  I took some days off work (it was bliss!).  We did some fun touristy stuff around town and she worked on the garden.  The same garden she planted almost the exact same time last year.  We even made it to the beach where we promptly got sunburned because we thought it was going to be cloudy.  Buncha stupid tourists!

Wish you could actually see that little sign under the pelican’s butt.  It said something like “Please do not sit or stand on the railing”.  This guy was hanging out waiting for the fishermen to catch fish…which he would then try to steal.  It was pretty entertaining.

One of the other things SIL wanted to do was visit a kitchen showroom to go about getting ideas for the kitchen remodel.  I hadn’t heard back from the first contractor and decided to hold off on that fun project until after vacation in May.  But she wanted to go and she is sort of my defacto kitchen designer helper. So we went to a different showroom for a different contractor.

Well.  Let me tell you.  It got a little crazy.  LOL  The real designer came out to measure the space.  I met with her again for an estimate (she came in $5 under my max budget).  I visited the “slab store” to pick out granite.  And we have a tentative date to start the second week in June.  Oy vey.

In the midst of all this, I have been going to the Y twice a week for the LiveStrong exercise program for cancer survivors and somehow have been managing to increase the billable hours at work.  It’s been busy.

So what’s the rant, you ask?  I still feel like I am not doing “enough”.  The “you should” pronouncements are getting under my skin.

I can’t decide if my feelings are logical or not.  Or maybe my brain is just making irrational excuses to not do all the things I am “supposed” to be doing.  The things I just do NOT want to do.

At the last oncologist appointment the end of January, the nurse practitioner got on my case for not going to a primary care doctor to follow up on some stuff.  One thing is a little nubbin they saw on my thyroid (it is stable and not cancer) and the other is to get a colonoscopy.  And yes, I know what a colonoscopy entails.  And yes, I know I “should” have one.  Just like I “should” have a follow up mammogram (first one was negative).

I am working through why this is all bothering me so much.   I have always hated going to doctors, as in anxiety attack hate.  So going to doctors all of last year was enough to last me for a long time.  I laugh – out loud – when women complain about going to a gynecologist once a year to endure an internal exam.  I think I have had about 15 of those over the past 18 months or so.

I dread finding out if anything else is “wrong” with me and you know doctors are really good at finding things to “treat”.  I figure I will also hear the “you should eat…..” speech a few more times.  I’m sure there will be more tests such as blood tests.  All this requires time and I am juggling a bunch of stuff right now.

And that brings me to the “you should” statements in general.  Who decided all this stuff we “should” be doing?  What if I say “no”?  Like, the 679 things “all women should do before they turn 40”.  Says who?

Why do I always feel like I am never doing enough?  Not working hard enough? Not going fast enough? Not doing enough?

Needless to say, it is highly unlikely that I will see a primary care doctor by Monday – especially considering I don’t have one yet.  I mean, I have a phone number for one, I just haven’t called to make an appointment.  It makes me tired thinking about rearranging work (again) to go to the appointment. Whiny?  I know.  Irrational?  Yes, quite likely.

But when is the last time someone said “you should take the day off” or “you should just go take a nap” or “you should do something fun instead of clean the house” or “you should eat the cupcake” or “you’re doing great, you should keep doing what you’re doing”.

This whole adulting thing is so much harder than we ever thought it would be and it’s getting in the way of accomplishing my bucket list.