Another week, another recovery period. hahaha
The surgery went well Monday morning – no collapsed lung which is always good news. I was discharged around 9:30 AM and home by shortly after 10 AM. And then I settled in for a day long nap. It turns out the minor surgery and recovery was more painful than the major surgery a few weeks ago. Was so not expecting that.
I tried to work on Tuesday, yes I sure did. In the midst of trying to work, I called the doctor’s office to try to get the chemo start date sorted out. Figured it was a good day for frustration and aggravation when I already felt crappy. Chemo will now start next Tuesday morning. My sister in law arrives Saturday around lunch time. Again, so much to do!
But back to the topic of today’s post. I was talking to someone today about the situation and realized how many things I have to be thankful for even though I sometimes forget. There are a lot of times I can only think about all that cancer has taken from me…it’s also good to remember what I have learned from this mess.
Cancer has taken:
Financial security – this is probably my #1 stressor right now, mostly related to the company’s compensation plan. Most of us are only a few paychecks away from a financial disaster. It’s true.
Health – For someone who rarely gets sick and almost never goes to a doctor, the past few months have been a challenge. While I feel fine physically (for now), I still feel like my general good health has been taken away.
Personal relationships – OK, so this wasn’t really taken away, maybe just changed. Nothing like a health scare / crisis to show you who will be there for you and who won’t. I am completely disappointed with some of my friends and that makes me sad.
Personal space – Yup, I do like my alone time. It was a challenge to have my brother here for 10 days but at least I knew when he was going to leave. My sister in law did not (yet) buy a return plane ticket. Not that she plans to stay forever, just that we have no idea how I will handle chemo and when I will feel well enough for her to return home. For a single person who likes her space, this is almost frightening. But it’s also the general sense of personal space. Being poked and prodded by strangers in doctor’s offices gets old. I’m not even sure why they bother with those stupid gowns anyway. There’s really no point.
Independence – Yup, another biggie for me. I hate having to depend on other people for stuff even though that’s just how it has to be.
Feeling of security – This is a catchall. There are many days when I feel like cancer has robbed me of joy, of planning for the future, of feeling secure in what may. Imagine waking up almost every day and hating what you will have to do. It’s exhausting to push yourself to make the phone calls, drive to a doctor appointment, read the literature, go through a painful procedure, and just mentally deal with everything. I miss planning a vacation or planning for the future in general.
But…but….there are lessons here, and things cancer has taught me or given me back:
Perspective – Funny how a life threatening disease will bitch slap you into prioritizing things. A lot of minor things are no longer a big deal.
Deeper personal bonds – To qualify – this is with certain people, the ones who have become my anchors. In a way, I am surprised by who has stepped up to the plate. I will be forever grateful to my friend Susan for taking me to the hospital and then waiting around for 5 hours until I was discharged. And, of course, forever grateful to my family for their support. Sometimes reaching out to people can be very rewarding.
Compassion – This is a biggie, too. Throughout my career I have had to listen to sob stories and have had to deal with people who lost possessions or were injured. It can make a person numb to suffering. I feel a deeper compassion for those who are truly sick and wonder how they deal with it. It’s very true that you never know what other people are going through and we all have struggles. I don’t look or act sick at all, most people are rather surprised to hear all that is going on. Imagine how many other people you see every day are going through similar pain and struggle. Be kind. Always.
Patience and flexibility – I keep telling myself this is all a process and I need to take one day at a time. Trust the process. Be prepared for what is coming next even if it turns out to be something different. It’s harder than it sounds.
Appreciation for the good – There are good people in this world. There are kind and compassionate people. Say please and thank you. Acknowledge when people are nice. Say something good instead of something bad. When I have good days, they are REALLY good days because I know there will be a less good day coming. When I have bad days, I remember there is a good day coming soon. Look for the good things, it distracts you from the bad.
It’s all about that balance thing. Today was a relatively good day. Tuesday was a not so good day. Tomorrow might be stupendous. Kind of hoping it is.
It is ALL harder than it sounds but, Bravo!
You know, acknowledging the shit (can I say that here?) that life can sometimes deal is half the battle but, you are fighting the other half too! There is growth and something to learn at every turn, if, we look for it.
Without those that disappoint, it would be hard to recognize those that really are good to the bone. I hate that you are living this nightmare but, I KNOW you will triumph and, many of us, will be enriched because of your courage and strength.
One day at a time. I too, hope that tomorrow is stupendous for you!
To say that the past few months have been a challenge would be an understatement. Every time I feel a little triumph for getting through a challenge, there is another – greater one – waiting for me.
While today was not stupendous, it was productive and I’ll settle for that.
I know those who disappoint are doing the best they can, too. Not everyone deals well with a crisis so I try to be compassionate while remembering not to overshare. Again, it’s a weird balance. Thank you for your support, it means so very much
Balance…good/bad, give/take. Sounds like your head is in the right place for this fight. Maybe this is how you always approach the unknown or perhaps you evolved this sense through necessity. Either way, you’re ready to forge ahead…a day at a time.
I was telling an attorney about the happenings (the short version) and he seemed to think my head was in the right place – acceptance of what is to come, an appreciation for how serious it is, but no over dramatizing. I suppose I can put on a good face for most folks. For me, it’s about what I can and can’t control. I can’t control having cancer but I can control how I deal with it. For now. Who knows what next week will bring?
You said it yourself. “One day at a time”. (I was never fond of that phrase, because it is a mantra in AA. Those type of support groups weren’t for me, but I suppose that they don’t own those five words.)
You have been incredibly strong so far and I have been admiring the wisdom you’ve shown in your approach to each challenge. … I have no doubt that your strength will persist.
Stupendous days are on the way.
Ah, well, the one day at a time thing is meant more in the Buddhist philosophy which is to live in the moment and not stress about the future. Anxiety is all about fearing what MIGHT happen instead of just dealing with whatever DOES happen. All I can do is try to prepare for (sort of) the worst and be happy if it doesn’t happen.