Not sure I know where to begin.  Every day brings a new roller coaster ride.

So I’m all healed from the surgery and went back to work two weeks ago.  All good there for the most part.  It’s really hard to focus at times and work can be a struggle.  People seem to think it would be a distraction and that is sort of true.  It’s a distraction if I don’t wake up with a full blown anxiety attack.  Of course, I feel the intense need to be working so, you know, I can get paid.  So much stress from every direction.

After hearing that the chemo drugs would make my hair fall out (yes, it will, please don’t argue with me on that point) I asked my hairdresser to cut my hair short again.  It wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be.  At least for me.  It sort of was for her.  It ended up being a positive thing for me.

I also starting reading a book about nutrition for cancer patients and that helped, too.  I am also pleased that my doctor gave me a list of vitamins / supplements to take.  I’d like to believe that good nutrition will make this a little easier.  Or maybe it’s just a pipe dream.

Next up will be a minor surgical procedure on Monday to put in a port so they don’t have to jab my veins every time they want to pump me full of poison or take a blood sample.  Sort of a weird good new / bad news thing.  Amazingly enough, a friend offered to drag my sorry butt to the hospital at 5 AM on Monday.

And then the chemo starts, possibly next Friday.  Of course, even though I repeatedly said I needed advance notice of the date they gave me only a week.  My sister in law will be flying down to stay with me after the first treatment to see how things go.  Less than a weeks notice was a bit much so she might come down next Sunday and we’ll start the fun on Monday.  Notice the Monday suckage theme here?

After that, I have no idea what will happen.  At all.  I could be fine or I could be horribly sick.  You know you will get some serious poison when the doctor hands you four prescriptions for anti nausea medications – if one doesn’t work, I move on to the next.  I am hoping to recover enough to work a few hours a day.  If that doesn’t happen, I may as well just declare bankruptcy and move on.

So I’m in this weird mental place.  Some days I am mostly fine and others I am a total anxious mess.  Most days I feel overwhelmed and completely stressed.  You would think I’d be used to it by now.

I am in a very uncomfortable position – for me – in having to ask for help.  In a way, it’s been a great learning experience to actually get over the mental hurdle of ASKING and then graciously accepting what is offered.  It’s a humbling experience in some ways.

I feel overwhelmed emotionally at times by the outpouring of support and caring from friends and family.  I wonder how I can ever repay the kindness even though I know most folks are not expecting a payback.

And, of course, I am dealing with personal space / introvert issues.  The friend who is taking me to the hospital on Monday offered to come over Sunday night and keep me company so I wouldn’t “worry” alone.  Um, no.  Luckily she completely understood where I was coming from when I said any quiet, alone time I get these days is cherished.  Besides, the to do list is growing…lots to get done before the unknown happens in a week.

So there ya go, that is the latest from this crazy corner of the world.  No plan is the plan.  Only today matters.  Stay focused on the present moment.  It actually does help.

Hope all is well in your world.