So it was a tough go last week.  I wore a scarf / headband thing Wednesday morning and afternoon and then out to dinner.  It was uncomfortable because my scalp was also sore.

Thursday morning, I went to the infusion center place to have blood drawn.  The nurse suggested shaving my head because it is easier mentally to not have to look at the wads of hair coming off your head.  I told her I wasn’t sure I had worked up the courage for that yet.  She said everyone approaches it differently.  That was one of the most compassionate conversations I have had about this whole hair loss thing.

Of course, I obsessed about it all day Thursday.  I remembered I had a small amount of Captain Morgan rum left – the only alcohol in the house since before the first chemo session.  I decided I would allow myself to have the last of the rum if I gathered up the courage to shave my head.

And so I did.  I took myself out to the back yard Thursday night and gave myself a buzz cut.  It was not liberating.  It was not fun.  I was relieved, however, when it was done.  And then I said hello to the Captain one last time.

I shared the experience with a close circle of friends on facebook, the people I chose to be part of my “tribe” and I have to say I was both happy and sad, no angry, with some of the responses.  Two people will be kicked out of the tribe, sort of like Survivor.  lol

Who knew women would be the ones telling me to get over it and just wear a pretty scarf.  Seriously.  I wrote out a whole rant on this topic today but don’t plan to share here.

I will share this, however.  It is part of a blog post I found on a website that sells head coverings for people like me…

It may come as a surprise when a loved one or friend with cancer seems to fret more about the notion of losing hair than fatigue, nausea, and pain. Experiencing hair loss is a very common fear among cancer patients. Unless you have experienced hair loss yourself, it isn’t possible to know what your friend or loved one is feeling. Hair loss makes cancer patients feel exposed and vulnerable. Something this visible can cause an unwelcome intrusion, transforming a personal health struggle into one that is public. There are many things you can do to help, starting with understanding that coping with hair loss is about more than vanity.

‘Nuff said about that.  Be careful what you say to people after they admit to having fears and anxieties about certain issues you simply do not understand.  The best response was from my manager who knew I was upset all week.  She said “I am so proud of you, I know it was hard for you.  You were so brave to do that”.  And there ya go.

I’m still working through all the emotional trauma, maybe a week off work will help.  Um yeah.  This week will be Round Two of chemo and I’m really hoping it goes about as well as Round One.  There are no guarantees of this, it could be much worse.

Tomorrow is a doctor appointment where I hope to get no bad news.  Afterward, I’d like to stop at the garden place for a short stroll because it is literally on the way home and I have a season pass.

Thursday will be a trek back to the infusion place to have blood drawn AND the cleaning people will be there.  Not exactly sure how Thursday will go because that will likely be the worst day for fatigue.  Wish me luck, I am going solo for this chemo round (aside from a ride to and from on Tuesday).

Still have a few things to do to get ready for the rest of the week.  At least this time around, I have a better idea of what to expect.

So many mental things to deal with.  It just makes my brain tired.   Resilience.  It’s not for cowards.