For the past two years, I have had this inner drive to do certain things – the bucket list trips, the decluttering of the house, and other subtle changes to my life in general.  I could never quite put my finger on what was the actual driving force behind it all.  I sort of chalked it up to a mid life crisis / personal growth thing.

As some of you know, my parents both passed away in 2009.  At some point around that time, I can remember talking to my brother about how our parents worked so very hard all their lives to be rewarded with illness after retirement which would stop them from doing what they wanted to do.  We both resolved to do what we wanted to do NOW instead of waiting.  That was when I wrote out my first bucket list, something that has served me well over the years.

After first receiving the cancer diagnosis the end of November, I took Chance to daycare on a Saturday (not a usual thing) so I could get some work done.  On the way home, I can still remember this though popping into my head – what if THIS is the “thing” for me.  And by the “thing”, I mean the illness or event that is sort of the beginning of the end.  It sounds morbid but I could not shake the feeling.

But I continued to feel well for the most part and the surgery went very well.  I am feeling almost back to normal with very little pain or soreness.  It’s pretty close to amazing.  I began to think about how maybe the “thing” was actually just a wake up call to figure out a way to NOT do what I do every day.  It’s hard to explain.

So off I went to the follow up appointment with the surgeon yesterday morning.  I was pretty pleased when my blood pressure came back as very close to normal instead of elevated as it has been since, oh, November or so.    So far so good.

And then came the lab results.  Turns out the cancer has spread into my lymph nodes.  Instead of Stage 1, it is the later part of Stage 3.  And no, this is not a good thing.  At all.

To say I was stunned would be an understatement.  I still am.  It doesn’t feel real, I am waiting to wake up from this very bad dream.  My world, once again, has been turned upside down and inside out.

This means two rounds of chemo with radiation in between for good measure.  I will lose my hair.  I will be sick.  I might be able to work, I might not be.  Hard to say, no one knows for sure.

My brother was also stunned, almost speechless.

I can’t even begin to put into words all the things that are going through my head.  It’s hard to figure out where to start.  So many plans need to be made and all I want to do is crawl into bed and put the covers over my head.

 In the midst of all this turmoil yesterday, it occurred to me that reading all the books I have been reading over the past few months helped me tremendously.  Perhaps intuition pointed me that way?  And decluttering the house, yes, that too.  All those repairs / projects last year?  All the better to prep the house for sale (eventually).   It’s all sort of weird and yet it makes perfect sense.

Oh, and one last shocker.  After talking to my brother on the phone last night, he called me back minutes later and said “what do you get when you are in good graces with your sister in law”?  Hmmm…I dunno, what do I get?  Well, I get a phone call from him saying she has offered to come down to spend some time with me during the chemo process.  I was rendered near speechless for the second time in one day.

And now I am going to wallow in some self pity, I have allowed myself a day for that.  Then I will put on my big girl panties and figure things out.  Because that’s what I do.