So this quote pretty much sums up the past year – aside from the mothers arms thing because that is no longer an option for me.  At least in the literal sense.  More on that in a bit.

It has been a rocky two weeks but I think some of the drama is over for now.  Surgery is set for January 7 so I have a few weeks to prepare and Christmas has been saved.  haha   My brother will arrive on January 6 to stay for about 10 days.

The appointment with the surgeon last week was a bit unsettling.  So much is up in the air and there are many unknowns.  My fate will be determined during surgery while I am oblivious.

There are lots of things to be done between now and then – “work ahead” at work, a chest x-ray, EKG, oral surgeon appointment, fly to PA, have a new bathroom sink installed, maybe have an electrician make some repairs, pre-admission paperwork, and more blood work.  For all the people who claim they want to “help”….wanna come over and, say, clean the house?  Seriously.

But getting back to the quote and the “temporary” thing.  That has sort of become my mantra – “this is only temporary”.  It’s helps to easy the anxiety attacks which have been rampant lately.  The sad part is the people being temporary is entirely true.  It’s amazing how a personal crisis will weed out the people who ARE your friends from those who clearly ARE NOT.

Aside from dealing with the diagnosis itself, I am struggling with the vulnerable thing.  The asking for help thing.  My pride is getting in the way.  My brother’s mother in law has offered me money to pay for out of pocket medical bills.  She is sincere in her offer and I know it would be given in kindness but I have only once asked for financial help from family since I left college.  Once.  It makes be feel like a failure.  There, I said it “out loud”.

And so I am in this weird mental place.  The future is so uncertain that I have to ground myself in the present.  I have mostly accepted what is going on, but still feel a certain amount of anger and frustration. There are many good things that have happened in the past weeks and months and I am trying to focus on that.    Well, when I can focus. Having trouble with that.

Oh, almost forgot the part about my mom.   I have been thinking about her a lot over the last two weeks. I can now appreciate so much more how terrible her cancer diagnosis was.  I distinctly remember a conversation with her when she was very sick.  She was having issues with depression (understandable) and people kept telling her to “think positive” and it pissed her off.  I told her that no one could tell her how to feel and if she felt angry, then so be it.  I understood the concept then, but COMPLETELY understand it now.

So much of what she went through is helping me deal with things now.  Perhaps that is the comfort in my mother’s spiritual arms.