Hold on tight, we’re gonna be going on a roller coaster ride here.

So you might recall a post from earlier in November – Internal Fearmongering for those who need a refresher – about the most dreaded doctor visit.  Well, what I failed to chat about here was the series of tests and exams that came AFTER that visit.  November was pretty much no fun at all.  Between the painful exams, juggling work, and waiting for results it was a month filled with anxiety and stress.

And then Monday happened.  That was when the call came with the diagnosis of cancer.  Yes, you read that correctly.  It was caught in the early stages (as far as I can tell) and it appears there is a very high success rate of treatment through surgery.  I am somewhat comforted by that information.  I haven’t seen the oncologist yet, that is a whole other annoying story.

I’m not sure I can quite describe the range of emotions I went through.  Fear.  Feeling lost.  Depression.  Anxiety.  I actually worked through most of the day as best I could.  For the record, my manager has been incredibly supportive even offering to come to Orlando to stay with me after the surgery.  It’s a small, family owned company and I know they will work with me as much as possible to get through the next few months.  A definite positive.

Tuesday was not much better although the anxiety ramped up a bit.  So much to think about, so much to do.  So much to plan.  So much to…..sigh.

Late Tuesday afternoon the power company showed up at the house – there was an issue from some fence installers around the corner the day before and they said they might need to get into the backyard and they might have to turn off the power.

Around 3:15 the power goes out.  Super. Power came back on and then the internet went out.  And it stayed out.  All night.

Now, I need the internet to work.  If I don’t work I pretty much don’t get paid.  Monday was a wash, Tuesday was not much better.  And now…Wednesday?  I stupidly thought the internet people would be back today but I was wrong.  In my head, I figured I could go to the library to use the wi-fi there and get some work done.   That was sort of right.

So I called the internet people and they could be out between 1 PM and 4 PM (don’t get me started) but I had to be home.  Ok.

I was sitting in the library trying to connect to the wi-fi when about 50 middle school kids arrived for something or other.  It was 10:30.

It then hit me…what the F*** are you DOING?  Why was I trying to make something happen that clearly was not meant to happen today?  It felt like a weight lifted off my shoulders.  The anxiety decreased.  I decided to take myself out for lunch for a cheeseburger and then go home to bake chocolate chocolate chip cookies.  Screw the rest!  The Universe wanted me to take a break.

When I was able to connect to the internet (at library branch #2), I sent my manager an email telling her I would be out the rest of the day.  She responded “Enjoy the cookies!”  And I did.

It has been a mess of a week.  Things are so not working out as planned.  This situation was not on the radar.  At all.  But I dunno, maybe this is supposed to be part of my story in some weird way.  I am being tested in ways I never imagined I would be.  I felt like there was nothing left to carry on and get through this next challenge.  I felt completely depleted of everything.  Taking a day off from it all was exactly the right thing.  So yeah, I do believe the Universe had a plan.

Back to reality tomorrow, more calls to make and plans to arrange.  Or at least plans to start.  I am trying to remain positive and optimistic.  I am trying not to think past the surgery (not yet scheduled).  I am only trying to stay focused on the present.

Positive thoughts for the next few weeks would be greatly appreciated.