I’d be lying if I didn’t admit to struggling a bit last week.  In fact, I had pretty close to a meltdown and it has been a while for something like that.

There were various things that happened, none really related, and for the most part I couldn’t even begin to explain why the events threw me into a mental tailspin.  You would think it was petty or silly or something like that.   Part of me knew it was silly and petty yet I still felt angry and hurt and maybe just a tad jealous.

You see, I tend to expect a lot from my friends though they likely don’t know that because I don’t verbalize it.  There ya go – my admission of weakness.  I have thought about this long and hard and believe it is somewhat related to my tendency to be introverted.  I don’t let a lot of people “into” my head or my life so I expect a lot from those who I consider close friends.  But the problem is I rarely admit to weaknesses.  Anger, yes….but weakness, no.

I’ve been single – completely single – for a long time and have been out on my own since my early 20’s.  I had to have it all together to function – I had to be the person who got things done.   I wasn’t all that close to my dad or brother and my mom was otherwise involved with her second husband who I hated.  So there was no family close by to depend on.  And being a single female means you have to be extra “strong” to prove you can do things all by yourself.  It became almost like an obsession.

So now when I feel down or a little lost or disconnected or, as I say, discombobulated it’s hard for me to admit that.  There are times I long for someone to just listen to what I perceive to be problems and issues – just listen, not try to fix things.  A person who will let me dump thoughts and concerns so I can work through them.

But back to the meltdown.  I knew deep down that the things that were happening were not my friends’ issues – they were mine.  All mine.   None of it was in any way related to me at all.  It was all in my head.  It was all past insecurities rearing their ugly head.  And that made me angry.  I was angry that silly things were causing such hurt and anxiety…and it was all in my head, not in reality.

So I’ll work through this.  Have lots to do this weekend to keep my mind occupied on other things.  Thinking about taking the dog on a hike in the woods tomorrow to clear my head.  Turns out there are some dog friendly hiking places just a short drive away.  Chance LOVED our outing a few weeks ago and it was good to get out of the house, and out of my head.