There was this front page article on the Lifestyle section of the local newspaper last week about how single people and married people sometimes cannot socialize together. Huh, seemed like an interesting topic.
The gist of the article was that younger married folks, mostly those with small children, and younger single folks just could no longer see eye to eye on being social. Single people didn’t get the being exhausted with kids thing and married people didn’t get the singles always “partying”. The major beef between the two groups was what to talk about. Amazing.
This issue has raised its ugly head with me – and it is something that will be the subject of a different blog post – but what happened to me was total strangers (all women) being unable to have a conversation with a single person. How can it be that grown adults cannot find something other than relationships with others to talk about. Whatever happened to talking about the weather, hobbies, movies, television, or some other neutral topic?
The other issue was the two groups of people wanting to prove, for lack of a better term, that their lifestyle was “right”. It made the single people feel like the proverbial third wheel and wanting to be part of a couple while making the married folks wanting the freedom of being single. Seems we can never be happy.
I don’t think there is a right or wrong lifestyle, only “different”. I know quite few people who are very happy being married and very happy being parents. And that is absolutely awesome. But that doesn’t mean being married is for everyone. It’s not.
Are there times I wish I was part of a couple? Yes, indeed. Are there times married people wish they were single? I’d guess most do from time to time. I just get tired of feeling like I have to justify a lifestyle choice.
Can’t we all just get along without judging others?
Years ago, a great friend shared this poem with me – from the 13th Century mystic Rumi:
“Out beyond ideas of wrong and right,
there is a field. I’ll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language, even the phrase “each other” doesn’t make any sense.”
I appreciate your thoughts and words – reminds me of that poem and another phrase I’ve tried to stick to over the years – I’d rather be happy than right.
Lifestyle is such a personal choice – what works for one doesn’t always work for the other. The best you can do is be true to your own needs as long as they don’t hurt anyone else. I’ve been married, single, raised kids, lost parents – all roads are different. I’ve been divorced for a dozen years and never thought I’d marry again – and yet – this April it’s knot-tying time once again.
Cheers,
LT
Exactly. What works for one person won’t necessarily work for someone else. It has always bothered me when someone else questions something that matters not at all to them personally – what I eat, how I live, or what I do. Being happy is all that really matters.
Congrads on the knot tying!
Well said, Pam!! As you know, I am a (gratefully) happily married woman. That being said, I would NEVER push this lifestyle on anyone – or try to make anyone feel that they’re missing out on something because they are not married!!
Everyone’s lifestyle choice is just that – their own personal choice! Just like you said – there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to go about doing things. Only different ways to live life. And who is to judge which is a ‘better’ way?
There are plenty of other things to talk about besides marriage, kids, relationships, etc. We live in a big, wonderfully expansive world – there’s absolutely no reason why we can’t find other discussion topics that we have in common!!
Awww…Jen, you found me! 🙂 Amazing that we always seem to have things to talk about other than marriage, relationships or anything related to those topics!
If we were all the same, imagine how boring life would be?
Well, you have been successful in making me think with this one! Thinking about and actually choosing what you WANT to do is what is important! So many people just do whatever the crowd does, like sheep.
I agree so much with LT’s statements above: “The best you can do is be true to your own needs as long as they don’t hurt anyone else.” What do I want out of MY life? “Lifestyle is a personal choice”… one we ought to make ourselves and not allow anyone else to make, even by default.
I probably did not live the single life as long as I should have. I’ve been married for many years and will soon be single again. As for singles and married people being able, or unable, to socialize… maybe I am not far enough along in my journey to understand why it really matters? As long as you are happy, doing your thing, and not hurting anyone else, why should it?
Of course it matters if single and married people can socialize without wanting to get all judgmental. Perhaps you will understand that better after the divorce. I have had several weird run ins with married women who can’t seem to figure out there is something else to talk about besides their husbands and children. They are at a loss when someone is single – the female bonding thing. Or maybe it’s different for men.
Unfortunately, there are many people who think people who live differently than they do cannot possibly be happy. It doesn’t matter to anyone else that I am single or that I travel alone yet people seem to not want to believe it is a perfectly ok way to live. THAT was the point I was trying to make. 🙂
Pam – you know there’s an interesting third group I recently became familiar with. A good friend has started dating during her separation – and she’s been seeing a guy who is 39 and HAS NEVER been married. As I think about it, I know a few others in that same category. The most common scenarios of currently married, and currently single after a divorce are so much more common after a certain age.
My fiance and I recently met this fella – business owner, hard worker, all around nice guy – and I have to confess our first thought when we were alone after the evening is “how the hell can you be 39 and never married?!” And the accompanying implication – what’s wrong with this guy?!
We had to laugh about it – it is so irrational and ridiculous – but, nonetheless, we stumbled right into the judgmental state.
Both of us have grown kids from earlier marriages – and how is that so much more “better” to our sensibilities? He’s got to be allowed to think – “what the hell is wrong with their decision making skills?!”
Ah, humans….
Well, I BELONG to that mystical third group of never married forty somethings. I did a blog post about it “over there” a while ago and how people judge the never married souls….just as you did. The very bizarre part is I am guilty of the same thinking about men who have never been married until I remind myself that there is nothing “wrong” with ME and I belong to the same category. Could it be society and the media have trained us all to think that way?